Underworld Rise Of The Lycans (aka Underworld 3) (2009)

In the Dark Ages the world was blue and the pretentious vampires kept hairy humans (who were werewolves) as slaves. If Underworld Rise Of The Lycans can be taken as historically correct.

Sonja (Rhona Mitra from Doomsday), is the vampire daughter of the vampire king Viktor (Bill Nighy from The Boat That Rocked) and she is secretly having an affair with one of the slaves, Lucian (Michael Sheen from Frost/Nixon). Meanwhile the Lycans are becoming increasingly restless with the bloodsuckers lording it over them and a battle is looming.

They keep making these movies, and I keep watching them in the hope they will get the formula right, but they never do. The cast is good, but the script and direction are forgettable and more lifeless than the vampires.

Virtuality (TV Pilot) (2009)

Earth finally makes it in to space as the 12 person crew of the Phaeton heads out on a 10 year mission (To boldly go where no man has gone before?) to explore a nearby star system (before the Earth becomes uninhabitable). To make life more interesting for the crew, the ship is fitted with a Virtual Reality program so they can escape the monotony and live out their fantasies. To make the trip more interesting for the people on Earth, the Phaeton’s journey is a reality show with cameras catching all the action.

Virtuality was a proposed television series that was not continued after the pilot. I’m not sure how the makers would have maintained the interest had it continued. Nothing much happens in the pilot which introduces the crew and their relationships and sets up the mystery of a dangerous element infecting the VR program (shades of HAL9000 from 2001 A Space Odyssey). The novelty of a small, confined crew works okay for a movie (Dark Star) but usually you need to introduce an outside force (Alien) to make it more interesting, or many outside factors if you turn it in to an ongoing series (Lost In Space). Virtuality needed something to make it more interesting. Big Brother is boring on Earth and setting it on a spaceship does not make it more appealing (even when death is involved).

My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

I love a 3D film. I like wearing the cardboard glasses and watching a movie with very little colour. In My Bloody Valentine (a remake of the 1981 movie of the same name), the 3D glasses are green and red rather than the standard red and blue. This doesn’t affect the 3D effects, but it does mean the only truly noticeable colour in the movie is blue.

The story is a typical stalk and slash splatter fest. A crazy killer in a mine is presumed dead but reappears on Valentine’s Day 10 years later, coinciding with the return to the town of the mine’s owner (Jensen Ackles from Supernatural) who is also a survivor the original attack. The owner/survivor finds out his ex-girlfriend (Jaime King from The Tripper) is now married to the sheriff (Kerr Smith from Dawson’s Creek), and that allows for a little male posturing in between the slaughtering. There is also a lengthy full frontal nude scene from Betsy Rue, who does a great acting job while naked.

The story is okay (but derivative and the ending is predictable and revealed too early), but the 3D effects are cool. The killer likes to use a pick axe, and that is often poking out of the screen, as are eyeballs, and assorted bloodied body parts and implements. The novelty factor of 3D (courtesy of a double sided DVD) is a welcome variation to the genre and raises a mediocre film up to the level of fun.

Day Of The Dead 2 Contagium (2005)

The DVD case for this movie advertised it as a prequel to Day Of The Dead, but that is misleading. The opening scene is set in 1968 (presumably before the events of George A Romero’s ground breaking, genre defining Night Of The Living Dead), but the rest of the movie is set in the now.

A group of patients from the Ravenside mental institution (Romero Ward) discover a canister that contains a biological weapon from the sixties. The contents of the canister are released in the hospital turning the occupants in to zombies.

This film is deadful on many levels. The acting is especially bad, and it is mainly the actor’s pretending to be mentally different that is so inept. The rest of the actors, the direction, and the script, are so awful the movie becomes funny. But not clever funny like Reanimator. The effects are okay for a low budget movie, but the biggest offence is claiming this movie fits in to the Living Dead universe. It is an insult to Romero’s work. Dan O’Bannon did a much better job with Return Of The Living Dead, which explored the scenario of living people opening a canister of the zombie gas and becoming the living dead, with much greater skill and style.

The strangest thing about this movie is it makes me want to see Romero do a version of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. Or maybe I just want to see Pride and Prejudice and Zombies made in to a movie.

The House Bunny (2008)

I was reluctant to see this movie, but was won over by the presence of Anna Faris (Scary Movie) who does comedy well starring in a film written by Kirsten Smith and Karen McCullah Lutz (Legally Blonde, 10 Things I Hate About You) who have shown an ability to add a twist to stereotypes. I thought that combination might lead to some insight in to homeless Playboy bunnies that I didn’t have. Sadly that was not the case, as the movie lacks any jokes or momentum.

Shelley (Anna Faris) is a Playboy bunny who reluctantly moves out of the Playboy Mansion on her 27th birthday. Shelley has no idea how to survive in the outside world, but stumbles on to a college campus and decides she could be the house mother for a sorority. Shelley ends up at a house of some socially awkward girls who need help to save their sorority (and show them how to be more “popular”). It’s a story we have seen many times (including the classic Revenge Of The Nerds) and it is sad that a female interpretation could not have been more imaginative or engaging.

Full credit to Anna Faris who looks great (better than the models in Playboy) and does what she can with a very uninspired script. Am I the only one who preferred the girls before their makeovers?

Boogeyman 3 (2008)

You can’t keep a good, supernatural, serial killer down, or even a bad one in this case, as the Boogeyman makes his third screen appearance.

The Boogeyman, who looks like a leftover from The Ring, may be real or he may be a figment of the imagination. Either way, students on campus are dieing. The theory that believing in legends makes them real was a good idea, but the rest of the movie is not. I thought the ending was at least going to be a positive in this extremely ordinary slasher movie, but then there was an extra scene that made the finale totally cliched.

To make a bad film worse, they included a superfluous locker room scene to fill the “required” T&A component of the genre. We are doing the same…

The Devil’s Chair (2006)

Nick West (Andrew Howard doing his best Jason Statham impersonation) heads to an abandoned mental institution with his girlfriend for a round of drugs and sex. The girlfriend ends up dead and Nick ends up institutionalised for being criminally insane. Four years later he is released in to the care of psychiatrist Dr Willard who wants to take Nick back to the scene of the crime. The two of them head off with the doctor’s students (including Matt Berry from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace) in tow.

The Devil's Chair film starts straight forward enough, Nick narrates the story and references the cliches of the genre, there is death and a secret journal, but then, with about 15 minutes to go, the movie swerves in to new territory to finish on a nasty, bloody, high note. The ending is good, but the journey there is much less exciting, and often it is quite annoying.

Superman

Punisher War Zone (2008)

The Punisher is back. Dolph Lundgren first bought the comic to life in 1989 in a film that I seem to be the only one that liked. Thomas Jane starred in the 2004 retelling of his origin, in a film that seems to be forgotten. This time Ray Stevenson (Outpost) dons the black, and he looks big enough and tough enough for the job.

Punisher is set 6 years in to Frank Castle’s reign of terror as he slaughters criminals in retribution for the killing of his family. The police unofficially tolerate his actions, but Colin Salmon plays an FBI agent that sees thing differently. Julie Benz (Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Dexter, Rambo) dyes her hair and brings out Castle’s human side. Wayne Knight (Seinfeld) dyes his hair and provides the weapons Frank needs.

This is the best of the Punisher movies. The Punisher’s origin has already been covered, so this movie is free to concentrate on other aspects of Castle’s never ending battle. They even throw in a comic book worthy supervillain with Jigsaw (Dominic West) and his psycho brother Looney Bin Jim (Doug Hutchison). There is plenty of killing (and I laughed out aloud at a few points where the Punisher shoots people) to punctuate the investigation of the Punisher’s motives and his personal torment. The ending looked like it was going to a video game scenario, but even it wasn’t as ridiculous or lengthy as it could have been.

I’ve never liked the Punisher comics, but I do like the movies. I like Batman comics, but don’t like the movies. This Punisher film is very similar to a Batman story (an unhappy guy in black hides underground and fights crime) but it is much easier to enjoy than the bloated Batman sagas.

No Man’s Land The Rise Of The Reeker (aka Reeker 2) (2008)

This sequel to 2005 Reeker starts with a flashback to the seventies and the capture and execution of The Death Valley Killer. Flash forward to now and a group of bankrobbers on the run turn up at a remote hotel with the police in pursuit. Death and confusion ensue as the Reeker (the reincarnated serial killer who is now a collector of souls) does his work. Are the people in reality? Are they in limbo? Who will live? Who will die? Who will care? None of the characters are interesting.

This sequel is much the same as the first film. Too much the same to justify its existence. The opening flashback is the most interesting part.

Tunnel Rats (aka 1968 Tunnel Rats) (2008)

I have a new surround sound system and I was looking for a movie to test it out. War movies with their shooting and explosions and mass of sound effects are perfect for this. I grabbed Tunnel rats knowing nothing about it. When the credits ran and I saw that Uwe Boll was the writer and director, my heart sank. His movies, mostly adaptations from video games (eg Postal) are abysmal. I was surprised to find that, with Tunnel rats, Uwe Boll has managed to make a movie that is not totally repugnant.

American soldiers in Vietnam bravely go in to a series of tight underground tunnels to find and kill Viet Cong. The underground scenes are claustrophobic and tense. The above ground scenes are much less impressive and the VC attack on the American camp just seems like an excuse to show blood and guts action. The suspense Boll creates below ground is much more interesting.

I read that the actors ad-libbed much of their lines. The less Uwe Boll contributes to a movie the better.

Bitten (2008)

Jack (Jason Mewes) is a paramedic who works the nightshift where he has discussions on the meaning of life with his partner, and only friend, Roger (Richard Fitzpatrick). Jack’s life takes a turn in to the Twilight Zone when he finds a blood soaked woman in an alleyway and takes her home.

Jack soon discovers that Anika (Erica Cox) is a vampire but, rather than repulse him, he decides to bring her nourishment. It doesn’t take long for Jack’s excitement of Anika’s arrival to turn sour (thanks mainly to a rising bodycount) while Roger worries about his friend’s “junkie” girlfriend.

Mewe’s limited acting ability does not distract too much in this short, low budget exploration of desperation, desire, and the general mundanity of life. The killing and sex might also help to keep you entertained.

Torchwood Children Of Earth (aka Torchwood Series 3) (2009)

Torchwood returns with 5 episodes shown 5 nights in a row to coincide with the 5 days of the story. Does that make it like 24? Maybe it does, but the British make it much bleaker and more provocative, as aliens use children to broadcast their message across Earth. The Aliens have demands, and Torchwood doesn’t agree with the government’s response.

Aliens. Possessed children. Crazy old man. Secret deals. Government conspiracies. Explosions. Death. Concrete. Pushy Americans. Dodgy British. Captain Jack Harkness’ shady past. Remorse. Sacrifice.

It’s a challenging scenario, and the story becomes darker and more chilling as it progresses.