Jesse Ventura hosts WWE RAW

World Wrestling Entertainment is currently handing over the reigns of its number one show, RAW, to a array of guest hosts, including Jesse “The Body” Ventura.

Ventura may be the ultimate renaissance man. He came to public attention as “The Body” in his days as a professional wrestler, but he has also been a Navy SEAL, biker, wrestling commentator, actor (Predator, Running Man, Abraxas), writer, politician , tv host, radio broadcaster, social commentator, husband, father, and whatever else I have forgotten. But, amongst all those accomplishments, he will be best known for his outrageous fashion sense and collection of feather boas.

Cthulhu (2007)

I did an interview for Fiend magazine with the writer/director, Dan Gildark, of this movie and it left me with high expectations. Gildark was articulate and sold Lovecraftian aspects of the film well. How depressing it was to finally see Cthulhu. It was an exercise in tedium. How could Gildark take something as good as HP Lovecraft and make something so mind numbingly weak. It is painful to watch it. The scariest thing in the movie is the thought of Tori Spelling wanting to sleep with someone. That is the stuff of nightmares.

Jason Vorhees?

Sand Serpents (2009)

The SyFy channel continue their run on monster movies (Croc, Eye Of The Beast, The Hive, Black Swarm, Hydra, etc) with their take on the War On Terror as Black Hawk Down meets Tremors.

A squad of American soldiers in Afghanistan not only have to fight the local militia, but also giant worms. It sounds like it should be a guns blazing all action affair, but it is dull and bogged down with clichés and bad acting. The worst giant sand worm movie since Dune.

Surfing The Menu

Fast & Furious (aka The Fast And The Furious 4) (2009)

Vin Diesel (Babylon AD, Pitch Black) and Paul Walker (the underrated Running Scared, Timeline) are back, racing cars and fighting bad guys. It’s not completely bad, just bland. Too much CGI, not enough of the spunky Michelle Rodriguez (The Breed, Resident Evil).

Surrogates (2009)

Bruce Willis (Die Hard 4, The Fifth Element, 13 Monkeys) returns to the science fiction genre with this adaptation of a comic book that owes more than a little in style to Bladerunner (and some other SF films).

In the nearish future, people have no need to leave their houses and live their lives through robots they control remotely. The surrogates are better looking, more durable, and can be used and abused without complaint or any physical effect on the person controlling them. That is until people start dieing when their surrogate dies.

Bruce is the FBI agent investigating the deaths with his partner, Rhada Mitchell (Rogue, Pitch Black). Their enquiries lead through a tangled web involving an anti-surrogate campaigner, Ving Rhames (The Tournament, Day Of The Dead), and the creator for the surrogates, James Cromwell (I Robot, W, Spiderman 3, Revenge Of The Nerds). The social and moral issues of people living vicariously through robots provides a background for the story, but more through inference than being a crucial narrative.

Noone does the melancholy cop as good as Bruce and, if you can handle the derivative nature of the story and its implausibilities, he does it well again here.

The Taking Of Pelham 123 (2009)

I like a good thriller. I do not like weakly scripted, poorly directed remakes, like The Taking Of Pelham 123 . Denzel Washington does his “everyman” character and John Travolta does his “mad criminal” character (which are the only characters these two actors have) in a story with no surprises and no excitement.

The best part of the whole film was the premiere where Bai Ling (Gene Generation, Crank High Voltage, Southland Tales), who wasn’t in the movie, looked pretty in pink and Chad Rogers, who was in the film, had a cute date.

Dolan’s Cadillac (2009)

Wes Bentley’s (Ghost Rider) wife, Emmanuelle Vaugier (Painkiller Jane), witnesses a murder as part of Christian Slater’s (Slipstream, Alone In The Dark) people trafficking operation. She is killed and Wes sets about arranging a very elaborate revenge.

This is yet another Stephen King story and focuses more on suspense and then terror rather than horror. Bentley pulls off his plan with 30 minutes of the movie to go, and the remainder of the film is spent in conversation between Bentley and Slater. The build up is interesting, the banter between the two stars is entertaining, and Slater has great time being bad. Dolan’s Cadillac, although not exceptional, is much better than many more convoluted and high profile revenge thrillers. It’s also nice having a story of vengeance that is about clever planning, not just violence (eg Stiletto).

The Tournament (2009)

Every 7 years the greatest assassins on the planet come together in a competition where the winner walks away with a pile of cash. It’s unlikely the best assassins would risk their lives in such a pursuit, or that killers could so blatantly run around a city causing such destruction, but it’s best to ignore these negative thoughts. The Tournament is a variation on the last person standing movies like Enter the Dragon, but it has guns. Lots of guns.

The competition is orchestrated by Liam Cunningham (Blood The Last Vampire, Dog Soldiers) and the entrants include…

Ving Rhames (Day Of The Dead, The People Under The Stairs)

Kelly Hu (Stiletto, The Scorpion King)

Sebastien Foucan (the founder of Parkour with David Belle)

Scott Adkins (The Shepherd Border Patrol, X-Men Origins Wolverine)

Ian Somerhalder (Lost, Vampire Diaries)

...and a reluctant Robert Carlyle (28 Weeks Later, The World Is Not Enough).

Middlesborough, England is the scene for the battle and the town is shot up, buildings are destroyed, cars explode, and innocents are butchered as killers kill and the rich bet on the outcome.

There is a subplot involving previous winner Rhames and why he is back but that, thankfully, doesn’t hinder the action and violence. Rhames is a great heavy. Kelly gets to unleash her martial arts skills more than usual, and that is a good. Foucan is a very smooth mover as leaps from building to building. And Adkins is a wonderful, wonderful fighter. As hitman movies go, it’s up there with Shoot Em Up as a great example, unlike the awful Wanted.

Like a Tiger...

Sometimes we do follow the news, even if it is only when celebrities embarrass themselves. Is Tiger Woods going to become the new Hugh Grant? (Without the good hair of course.)

2012 (2009)

From the desk of Mister J…

I finally saw 2012 last night and, honestly, it wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. I mean, certainly it’s an effects film and, sure, those effects are over the top...but isn't that what we want from an end of the world disaster film?? I certainly don't want to imply it was good though, that would be pushing it.

Gamer (2009)

Michael C Hall (Dexter) goes all Bill Gates creating software the world can’t live without. First it is Society, where actors rent out their bodies to be manipulated by other people in a freakier version of Second Life.

Then there is Slayers, where prisoners on death row are controlled by players at home and sent in to a war zone / First Person Shooter to kill or be killed.

If the convicts survive 30 encounters, they are given their freedom. Does that sound similar to Running Man?

Kable (Gerard Butler from 300, Watchmen Tales of The Black Freighter) is the star of the game and is nearing 30 matches, but he escapes to rescue his wife (Amber Valetta from Transporter 2 and magazine covers everywhere) and prove his innocence. Does it sound like Running Man now?

The writers/directors (Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor) made Crank High Voltage and must have used up all their clever ideas in that, because this is just Running Man in new packaging and little else. Another waste of a good cast. Look our for video game references and a cameo from the guys from Psych.

Fabulous Sebastian’s Top 5 of 2009

Better Off Ted - A crazy, rapid fire sitcom that explores American big business practices at the fictional Veridian Dynamics. Do you want to turn a pumpkin into a Weapon of Mass Destruction? Veridian can do that. Portia De Rossi follows up her wonderful work on Arrested Development with another extreme character.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus - A film that is more than a catchy title. A prehistoric shark and octopus are unfrozen and have to battle not just each other, but eighties pop sensation Debbie Gibson and hunky Lorenzo Lamas. Lamas steals the movie (from a shark that attacks airplanes) with his deadpan delivery (and dangerous ponytail).

Star Trek - The Star Trek franchise has been even a hit and miss affair. JJ Abrams makes it work because he knows the secret ingredient for success - James T Kirk. Chris Pine channels William Shatner to bring the swagger back to science fiction.

No Heroics - The British make a super hero series that may be the complete opposite to Heroes. In the best British tradition, the heroes rarely leave the pub. Their superpowers are sometimes questionable, like their motives.

Tokyo Gore Police - The title does not fully prepare you for the violence, body modifications, and twisted sexuality of this Japanese movie.