In The Spider’s Web (2007)

A group of backpackers are exploring a North Indian jungle (although the flora and natives are clearly Thai) when one of them is bitten by a spider. ‘Help’ comes in the form of Lance Henriksen who lives in a nearby village where the locals worship spiders.

It’s always great watching Henriksen (Dog Day Afternoon, The Terminator, Near Dark, Aliens, Super Mario Bros) being menacing and eating spiders, but he is the only good thing about this movie. Although the amount of fake spiderwebs was impressive.

Speed Racer (2008)

Americans love taking Japanese creations and making them their own. Whether it be to destroy them (Godzilla), to profit from them without acknowledging the original (Iron Giant from Gigantor, Lion King from Kimba the White Lion), or to just copy them outright (The Ring, and countless other repackaged Japanese horror movies). The latest in this trend comes courtesy of the Wachowski brothers who gave us the wonderful The Matrix, the awful the Matrix Reloaded, and the even awfuller the Matrix Revolutions.

The straightforward concept of the 1960’s Speed Racer series is given a darker tone (but not too dark since it is a children’s movie and full of family values) reminiscent of Rollerball, where one man takes on the evil corporation that challenges his sport. The drivers and cars are a cross between the original anime and Death Race 2000, while the races look like they were designed by a demolition derby fan with a love of Hot Wheels and Tron. None of these are negatives. It is deceptively easy to enjoy a story packaged with such gusto. The film is an assault on the senses with kaleidoscope sets and costumes, hypercolourful direction packed with CGI, live action, flashbacks, interludes, and overlays, and enough references to the original to show respect. The fight scenes were a pleasant surprise and are better than those in most big budget Hollywood action films these days. And I have to mention John Goodman's best line...

"Was that a ninja?"

"More like a non-ja. Terrible what passes for a ninja these days."

Go Speed Race, Go.

They're Among Us (aka Infected, aka The Hatching) (2008)

Aliens (in human form of course) are here and they have evil plans for the people of Earth. Thankfully a newspaper reporter (with an immunity to the alien virus) and his ex-girlfriend have uncovered the plot and, with the help of a rebel alien, are out to stop the intergalactic nasties. Will they save the human race? Will the ex-lovers reunite? Will you be surprised you know the answers without watching this made for TV film?

Changing the film's title for different countries might make it harder to track down reviews, but it does not disguise the fact we have seen it all before (and done better) in They Live, Invasion Of The Body Snatchers, and a hundred other films.

Jerome Bixby's The Man From Earth (2007)

Jerome Bixby wrote several episodes of Star Trek (including "Requiem for Methuselah" about a 6000 year old man) and also did an episode of Twilight Zone. This story was originally written in the sixties and would have worked well as an episode of Twilight Zone.

David Lee Smith (CSI Miami) is John Oldman who, at an impromptu gathering of his work colleagues, tells his friends he is 14000 years old. This is a variation of the dinner party movie where, in this case, guests talk, question, and argue the validity of John's statement. Oldman's friends (including John Billingsley from Star Trek Enterpise and William Katt from The Greatest American Hero) are all professors and they question him in their fields of expertise. Oldman himself has 10 doctorates but, "Living 14000 years doesn't make me a genius, I just had time". The film occassionally drifts in to the melodramatic, but always manages to redeem itself and is at its most thought provoking and entertaining when Oldman discusses his experiences with Jesus.

Justice League Of America (1997)

Is it really the Justice League if there is no Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, or Aquaman? Yes, according to this tv pilot that was, thankfully, deemed too awful to go in to production. This second string Justice League comprises the Guy Gardiner Green Lantern (although his uniform is blue), the Barry Allen Flash, an underused Martian Manhunter, the Atom, and minor superheroes Fire and Ice. It is a terrible attempt at comedy or drama or action, with the heroes sharing a house, having relationship issues, and fighting a super lame supervillain, The Weatherman. I can’t think of anyone I could recommend this show to. All I can say is that Michelle Hurd (Fire) is very hot. Watch the animated Justice League instead.

Tropic Thunder (2008)

I watched this film for 30 minutes without laughing, smiling, or developing any interest in what was happening, so I turned it off. Who do I speak to about a refund? Ben Stiller? Robert Downey Jr? Jack Black? Jack Black still owes me for Nacho Libre. And Be Kind Rewind. And...

Rave Magazine Top 5 for 2008

Big Bang Theory – a sitcom that is sadly and frustratingly reminiscent of our attempts at dating.

Dead Set – a tv show that demonstrates why the world would be a better place if zombies were allowed in the Big Brother house.

Primeval – Dinosaurs coming through a time portal to modern day London is cool, but Hannah Spearritt (from S Club 7) in her underwear, and the lame excuses they use for undressing her, that’s hot.

Amy Winehouse – for being Amy, in all her varied and wonderful ways.

http://onthematwrestling.blogspot.com – because we know you can’t get enough of Mister J’s cartoons and ramblings.

And a little something extra to celebrate the year that was...

All I want for Xmas Is... Ok, maybe it's not this...

In 1963, Alfred Hitchcock, the Master of Suspense, gave us a tale of terror not soon forgotten in his film “The Birds.” Dressed in a re-creation of the stylish green skirt-suit worn by the film’s ill-fated heroine in an iconic scene, Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” Barbie® Doll celebrates the 45th anniversary of the acclaimed film. From the doll’s classic ensemble to the perfectly painted expression to the accompanying black birds, every aspect captures the film’s infamous appeal.
If Mister J is going to live out his Tippi Hedren fantasies with Barbie, then I can crave the Black Canary Barbie. It's the Barbie the right wing moralists in the USA are calling the dominatrix Barbie and calling for it to be banned. Fishnet stockings and leather do not send a bad message to children.

Living Hell (aka Organizm) (2008)

What do you do when a killer plant from a top secret US Cold War experiment escapes? Run? Hide? Blow it up? No, you find someone with a genetic immunity to it and then cover a half naked woman with their blood and go back and stop it. It’s one of those films that is more watchable than it should be.

Abraxas – Guardian Of The Universe (1991)

Jesse Ventura (wrestler, Navy SEAL, US Governor, etc) plays an intergalactic cop in one of the numerous low budget, science fiction, action films that tried to turn wrestlers in to actors. Jesse is on Earth to stop Sven-Ole Thorsen (winner of Denmark’s Strongest Man in the World title) from finding the child who can calculate the anti-life equation. It is universe threatening stuff as Jesse shows his understanding of human women by asking, “Are you a birthing member of the human race?”.

Jesse is as impressive as always (see Predator or Running Man for more Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura), but not as impressive as his stunt double in the bald wig (or fellow wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper in They Live and Hell Comes To Frogtown). A must see for Jesse fans, but probably a must not see for anyone else.

(Mister J is disappointed that I made no mention of Jack Kirby's Fourth World or Darkseid in my review, although the anti-life equation is a complete rip-off from those very books. I have apparently mislead people in to believing I am a nerd, or at least marginally well read in the field of pop culture. My apologies go to geeks everywhere for my ignorance. - fs)

Wanted (2008)

This is the Karate Kid for the new generation, except it is devoid of logic, comedy, and any characters you could care about. James McAvoy (playing a character lamer than Peter Parker) is recruited in to a society of super assassins headed by Morgan Freeman and including a paper thin Angelina Jolie. There is plenty of action, but the super fast editing and an ignorance of the laws of physics makes it insulting to the intelligence. The film becomes dumber and more predictable as it progresses.

Blonde and Blonder (2007)

Pamela Anderson (often looking like a middle aged drag queen) and Denise Roberts (bleached blonde to appear dumber) set the women’s movement back 60 years is this ‘comedy’. I turned it off after 15 minutes of agonising viewing. If I want to watch a dumb blonde comedy, I will watch a Paris Hilton sex tape.

Zombie Films

People say that death and taxes are the only two things you can rely on but, at DVDP, we think crappy zombie films are number 3. Zombies are everywhere in popular culture - SBS had a zombie festival, Australia has annual zombie marches, zombies are on the small screen in "Dead Set", and we've even see zombies in the white house. We like to trawl for zombies in their regular hiding place...the video store.

Day Of The Dead (2008)
The latest remake of a George A Romero zombie film is not really a remake at all. The original’s scenario, plus its claustrophobia, tension, and despair are replaced by the now standard storyline of people on the run, this time including trigger happy soldiers Mena Suvari and Ving Rhames. The only twist here is the zombies aren’t just fast and manic, but they can also climb walls and run across the ceiling. I guess they were bitten by a radioactive spider.

Fido (2006)
In a picture perfect fifties style world, zombies wear control collars and exist as semi-useful members of society. When Dylan Baker (Happiness) brings home Fido (Billy Connolly), he doesn’t expect his wife, Carrie Ann Moss (Matrix) and son to grow quite so fond of him. It’s a quirky, intriguing, and rather charming story of a boy and his zombie.

Otto, or Up With The Dead People (2008)
Canadian writer/director Bruce La Bruce tries to do for disaffected, teenage, German zombies of today, what Heathers did for disaffected, teenage, American girls of the eighties. Except the movie Otto is like the character Otto, lifeless and uninteresting, despite the amusingly, deadpan narration and explicit gay sex.

The Day The Earth Stood Still

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

The trailers for this movie make it look like a formulaic, predictable romantic comedy, but it is not as lame as they try to make it appear. Jason Segel (How I Met Your Mother) and Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars, Heroes) were lovers that recently separated, and they find themselves holidaying at the same resort. Segel is there alone, although he spends some romantic time with Mila Kunis (That 70‘s Show) and less romantic time with Jonah Hill (Superbad), while Bell is there with her new lover, British comedian, Russell Brand. The humour is sharper, faster, and nastier than most films of this genre, and the story never wallows in moralising and redemption.

Brand is a loud, sex mad, British comedian, perfect at playing an annoying, British rock star. Kristen Bell is as wonderful and gorgeous as ever. Jason Segel (who also wrote the movie) has taken his hapless character from How I Met Your Mother and expanded it to show even more vulnerability. Be warned, he does like to take his clothes off. Best romcom since Groundhog Day.

How to Lose Friends And Alienate People (2008)

A 110 minute comedy without a laugh. Is that a record?

Black Emanuelle

All of the Emanuelle ( not to mention Emmanuelle ) films have many things in common. Laughable dubbed dialogue, idiotic libertine philosophizing, a heavy dose of art house pretension, and of course mildly erotic if somewhat tedious sex scenes. Still, the production is quite impressive - the movies are generally shot on film and have some breathtakingly beautiful natural scenery ( and I'm not just talking about the women ), and they were, if only by default, interesting exotic travelogues.
Black Emanuelle is the first of the Italian rip-offs... er homages... to the French soft core blockbuster of a few years earlier, and a far different kettle of fish to the later, much sleazier sequels helmed by the late, questionably great Joe D'Amato. It is far closer to the incredibly dated Just Jaeckin "Emmanuelle" from 1973, taking a supposedly straight-faced look at contemporary relationships and questioning the usual flash point topics of the time, such as fidelity, jealousy, and desire ( all the while luxuriating in exotic surroundings ). Unlike D'Amato, director Albert Thomas does not present us with predatory drug lords, snuff movie-makers or rampaging cannibals, making for an admittedly less sensational, yet far more engaging viewing experience.
Photojournalist Mae Jordan ( aka "Emanuelle", aka Laura Gemser - who would later still, take the name Moira Chen, only to appear on U.S tv and chased around the set by Highway to Heaven's Michael Landon... and if she does that to an angel, what hope do us mere mortal's have? ) flies into Nairobi, where shes to shoot some stills to accompany an article by British writer Anne ( who is played by the very German, right down to the haircut, Karin Schubert ). Anne shares an "open relationship" ( hey, it was the 70's ) with her husband Gianni... which pretty much means both of them spend much of the film jumping anything that moves. Contrary to her subsequent reputation, Emanuelle seems positively puritanical next to these two would-be nymphomaniacs. Okay, so towards the end of the film she has sex on a train, with an entire football team... still...

The film is entirely Gemser's show. Not yet submitted to the endless array of rape and degradation that would come with the D'Amato era, she is a much relaxed screen presence. Projecting a slightly passive, at times even submissive and wide-eyed sensuality, Gemser manages to remain practically untouched by the debauchery that surrounds her. Unlike the original, the moralizing is kept to a bare minimum this time around, and in fact seems to have been added as almost an afterthought when towards the end of the film Emanuelle tells Gianni he hasn't "lost" her, as he never "possessed" her in the first place. Beautiful but somewhat dreary, the film in nonetheless worthwhile seeking out as a time capsule to an era, and a genre, now long gone.

Snakes On A Train (2006)

A couple of illegal, Mexican immigrants sneak on to a train where the woman starts coughing up snakes. People die and then a really big snake appears and attacks the train. The ending is ridiculous, which is partly what The Asylum are known for doing in their movies. It’s nowhere near as good as it should be, even with green goo, and that’s because there are way too many stories going on between passengers on the train, and we don’t need to see that krud. All we want to see is snakes and killing and hysteria.

Black Swarm (2007)

The US government is at it again, this time breeding killer wasps to use as a weapon. Sarah Ellen returns to her childhood home to find people dieing from wasp stings and others being turned in to human wasp drones. Robert Englund (aka Freddy Kruger) is there and looks suspicious. It’s pretty awful, but I do like a film where insects can control the functioning of a higher organism and that someone is excited to hear the term “anaphylactic shock”.

Alone In The Dark 2 (2008)

This may be Lance Henriksen's worst film ever. Just because a film is based on a video game doesn't mean it has to be completely lame and lifeless. Super Mario Brothers worked. Of course having Uwe "I couldn't make a decent film if my life depended on it" Boll as producer doesn't help.

Patrick Swayze

I Am The Last Omega Man Legend On Earth

Thought processes are a funny thing. Not so much funny ha-ha, more funny peculiar. Hancock, starring The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (aka Will Smith) is new out on DVD and we thought we should get jiggy with a series of films that ends with Smith's previous, er, blockbuster. Richard Matheson (Twilight Zone, Star Trek, Stir of Echoes) wrote his novel “I Am Legend” in 1954 and the films interpret his scenario in slightly different ways. All versions are set in the near future where a virus has wiped out most of humanity and left some survivors as vampire like creatures of the night, while one man patrols the streets killing the undead.

The Last Man On Earth (1964)
Vincent Price stars in the purest adaptation of Richard Matheson's book. Price spends his time playing music and killing pseudo-zombie-vampires and, unknown to him, the surviving humans, making him a 'legend' and he his feared by everyone. The film is slow but, with its unsettling visuals and claustrophobic feel, it plays like an extended episode of the Twilight Zone. And we love the Twilight Zone.

The Omega Man (1971)
Charlton Heston tries to live a normal life, test driving cars, watching Woodstock, playing chess in his apartment, and looking for the pale, daylight fearing, technology hating mutants so he can kill them with a variety of guns (hey, this is Charlton Heston). Heston's monotone monologues dominate the film, but the action and despair is increased making it the most accessible of the versions.

I Am Legend (2007)
Imagine thinking you were alone in a plague ravaged world, only to discover it is also populated by CGI wildlife and Will Smith. How depressing would that be? This film takes the title of book but not the premise of being a 'legend' (despite a sloppily added voiceover at the end that fits about as well as Ron Jeremy at a chastity convention). After Smith starred in “I Robot” (another film which had little to do with its source material), did he really need to do it again?