31 August 2008

Madonna

Madonna has had a facelift, says her brother Christopher Ciccone.
Christopher, who has written a book entitled Life With My Sister Madonna, alleges the singer - who turns 50 in August - went under the knife in a bid to maintain her youthful appearance.
When asked if he still recognised Madonna from the girl he grew up with, Christopher replied: "Not after the facelift."
- from the Sydney Morning Herald

honestly... I have no idea what he's talking about...


... i think she always looked like a cricket.

much love
J.

25 August 2008

Wrestlemaniac - El Mascarado Massacre


When the Americans are looking for serious villains for their movies they generally choose Russians, North Koreans, or Arabs. If they want comedic villains, then they look south of the border to Mexico. I don’t think the Americans have ever forgiven the Mexicans for the Alamo, or Taco Bell, or The Real Cancun.

Mexico is known for many things, but mainly cheap pharmaceuticals, cheap medical treatments, cheap alcohol, cheap food, cheap holidays, and wrestling. Wrestlemaniac combines Mexico’s love of wrestling with their trade in questionable medical procedures, with some hapless Americans as victims.

A van of Americans head to Mexico to shoot an amateur porn film, which is as good an excuse as any to show boobies. They end up in a deserted town that is rumoured to be haunted by a crazed, Mexican wrestler. Years ago the Mexican government was desperate to win Olympic gold in wrestling, so a team of surgeons attempted to create the ultimate wrestler, pieced together from the country’s top wrestlers. The end result was Rey Mysterio Jr’s uncle, Rey Mysterio Sr. Needless to say, he didn’t win at the Olympics, went insane, and now lives to slaughter tourists.

I’m not sure this film will replace El Santo as the Mexican cult film, but the Frankenstein approach is surely worth some sort of recognition. And who doesn’t love a psycho, masked wrestler that has built his own ring and has the faces (literally) of his victims on the wall.

21 August 2008

Vacancy

So the movie "Vacancy"...do you know it?
Here's the trailer to bring you up to speed.

Ok, you done now? Good, now do your best to forget it ever existed...Believe me, you'll be doing yourself a favour. At less than 80 minutes, the time passes quickly, but not nearly quickly enough. Even the gaggle of idiots over on IMDB find little of merit in this dog...

...and those guys will call virtually anything "genius".

edit - ok, since I originally wrote this, THEY have started praising it...( shakes head in disbelief )

The cartoon says all that I could hope to on the subject.

much love.
J.

12 August 2008

Superheroes

With Iron Man, Hulk, Dark Knight, Hancock, Spirit, Watchmen, Dr Horrible, etc, all appearing this year, we thought we would revisit some past superhero...er...successes?

The Tick
The Tick is large, blue, dumb, nigh invulnerable, and has escaped from psychiatric care. He hangs out with Arthur (an accountant dressed as a moth), Captain Liberty (a Wonder Woman parody) and Batmanuel, pronounced ‘bat man well’, (a Latino lothario interpretation of Batman). And the villains are even more peculiar. It's a crime that only 9 episodes were made.

The Flash
John Wesley Shipp is the fastest man alive, quicker than his Rogues Gallery (Including Mark Hamill as The Trickster,). He ran all the way to the end of the first season, and then off into the sunset to a new secret identity as a gay icon, and the father of noted tv mutant Dawson Leery. The series starts slow but picks up as more supervillains arrive in Central City.

The Greatest American Hero
It may be sickly sweet television, but the misadventures of William Katt, who lost the instruction book to his superhero suit, is strangely engaging. Robert Culp’s dry witted presence, as well as his penchant for dry dog food, helps. The series sequel, "Greatest American Heroine" however, should be avoided like Superman might avoid stepping in Kryptonite.

Batman
The 1966 movie is campy, colourful, crazy, and inventive. The Joker, Penguin, Riddler, and Catwoman team up and Batman and Robin have to rely on all their wits (as well as Bat Shark Repellent) to save the day. Ridiculously brilliant. Where was my Bat Shark Repellent when I needed protection from Deep Blue Sea.


11 August 2008

Spiderman 3

A superhero is only as good as the villain they face, and Venom in Spiderman 3 is lame. This film is more The OC with CGI than a superhero film. The original, with Willem Dafoe as the Green Goblin is best, but Alfred Molina as Doctor Octopus in the sequel is cool too.




09 August 2008

Shock Waves (1977)

My love for zombie Nazis in movies is well known, at least it is by those that know me. Outpost and Dead Snow are recent, wonderful films using them as villains, but the idea started back in the seventies in Shock Waves.

You should realise you are in trouble when the captain of your boat is John Carradine, but that doesn’t deter the heroes/victims of Shockwaves from their adventure. The young cast (including Brooke Adams who would later star in The Invasion Of The Body Snatchers and Dead Zone) find themselves stranded on an island, its only (living) inhabitant is Peter Cushing (a former SS Officer). Being on an island with no one but a thin, bedraggled Peter Cushing should be another warning that things aren’t right, but no one is suspicious until dead bodies appear, and then Nazi zombies (who “are neither dead or alive, but somewhere in between”) rise out of the water. Cushing is a former SS officer and the zombies are his former troops, engineered to not need oxygen so they could stay on U Boats for an indefinite period.

Like all movies of the seventies, it seems slow by today’s standards, and the low budget means there aren’t many Nazis or much action, but it has the atmosphere and ideas that so many other films lack. It’s a classic. Director Ken Wiederhorn would later write and direct more zombies in Return Of The Living Dead 2.

08 August 2008

Wrestlers making movies

The WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) should not make movies. I know they want to increase their revenue and milk their demographic, but can’t they make something better thasn what they are currently producing?

There was a time when wrestlers made good films – Rowdy Roddy Piper in They Live and Hell Comes To Frogtown, Jesse The Body Ventura in Abraxas, Predator and Running Man, WCW World Champion David Arquette in Ready To Rumble, and Hulk Hogan in No Holds Barred and Santa With Muscles. Okay. Maybe Hogan is a bad example. Of a wrestler and an actor. I must admit though, I did enjoy Bill Goldberg in Santa’s Slay. Check that one out.


07 August 2008

The Marine

John Cena is another wrestler who thinks he is an actor. Maybe he is, but I can’t tell from this movie. Cena is a recently discharged Marine who pursues the criminals who have kidnapped his wife. The movie has a lot of improbable, unbelievable, ridiculous and frequent action, which means it should be good, but it’s not. This film has more plot holes than it has plot.

06 August 2008

The Condemned

Stone Cold Steve Austin, former WWE heavyweight champion returns to our screen in a variation on the Battle Royale scenario. Condemned prisoners from third world countries are taken to an island where they will fight to the death, live on the internet. In amongst the moral outrage the show causes there is some juicy violence but that doesn’t save this predictable film. Does anyone not expect Austin to be falsely imprisoned or to be the ‘winner’? Co-star Vinnie Jones was better in Slipstream.


05 August 2008

See No Evil

Wrestling superstar Kane (WWE's Big, Red Machine) is a psychopathic slayer who, in the tradition of all cliched films, was abused as a child. There is no surprise when a group of teens have to spend the night in the deserted hotel that Jacob will start killing them and taking their eyes, hence the title. This is a film without scares, suspense, or an original idea. The only novelty is that it is directed by former adult film director Gregory ‘New Wave Hookers’ Dark. Bring back Freddy Kreuger.

04 August 2008

Control

Many years ago I was reluctantly preparing myself for school when I heard about Ian Curtis’ suicide on the radio and I was shocked. It was a surprise that Ian C took his own life, even though Joy Division projected an image of doom and gloom. A year earlier I heard of Sid Vicious’ death in a similar way and I was amused. Sid was a comedic character and I was amazed he had survived that long. Curtis was the classic tragic figure, unhappy living in a world of, mostly, his own making. Curtis was from near Manchester, a city that has produced interesting talent over the years, including the brilliance of the Pete Shelley, the lunacy of Mark E Smith, and the absolute banality of Morrisey. I’m still hoping to hear on the news one morning that Morrisey is gone from my life.

The film starts in 1973 in Macclesfield, which is close to Manchester, where high school student Ian Curtis (Sam Riley) spends his days writing poetry, experimenting with prescription medication, miming to Bowie, and stealing his best friend’s girl, Deborah Woodruff (Samantha Morton). Curtis is one of the people at the Sex Pistols’ influential 1976 Manchester gig, and that is the catalyst to him joining the band that will become Joy Division.

Joy Division’s post punk sound and dark, brooding, poetic songs make an impact on the local scene. They tour to London to spread their name and it is there that Ian meets Belgium temptress Annik Honore, and they begin an affair.

The film ends in 1980 with Curtis struggling with the band’s success, his epilepsy, his feelings for Annik, and a sense of obligation to his wife and young daughter (Natalie). He had created two lives for himself and wanted neither. The ending is a part of music history, but it is still jolting when it happens.

Control is based on the book, Touching From A Distance, by Curtis’s wife Deborah and filmed by Joy Division photographer, fan, and friend, Anton Corbijn. These are two people who know the subject well, although they may not know the complete story. The black and white film captures the atmosphere that Joy Division always promoted, with some scenes growing out of Anton’s past photographs. Riley is haunting as Curtis, as he accurately captures the look, voice and movements of the dead star. The attention to detail in location, wardrobe and musical instruments should impress anybody familiar with Joy Division.

It’s a very fine production, but two hours watching someone wallow through an existence they made for themselves but couldn’t deal with is not my idea of entertainment. That may because I know the story well, or because I am incredibly shallow. The film lifted when the band played, and the actors actually did play and sing the songs. Through their performance you can imagine the energy and atmosphere of a Joy Division gig. The score is perfectly chosen to enhance the film, with incidental music by the real band and other relevant artists of the time.

The film is not all torment and depression, there is some comedy. My favourite parts being the appearance of legendary punk poet, John Cooker Clark, Curtis describing his favourite colour, and a depressed Curtis being told, “It could be worse. You could be the lead singer of The Fall.” It’s a brilliant film, even if it is not to my liking, but don’t expect to leave it feeling happy.

02 August 2008

Death Trance (2005)

The director of Versus, Yuji Shimomura, teams with the star of Versus, Tak Sakaguchi, in another supernatural, martial arts adventure. Additional personnel include Steven Seagal’s son, Kentaro Seagal.

Tak, and the young girl that travels with him, steal a coffin from a monastery. The coffin may create its owner anything they desire, or it may unleash the goddess of destruction. As Tak travels through the forest to reach the appropriate spot to open the coffin, he is pursued by a monk with a penis handled sword, and attacked by a range of crazy characters.

Death Trance is easy enough to enjoy, but the story is trite and the action scenes unremarkable.

01 August 2008

Bad Boys


...for the record, I had free tix to Bad Boys 2 back in the day. I was seeing a film with my friend Lisa, and we were deciding between that and 28 Days Later. I left the choice to Lise, and she said "lets see Bad Boys, it'll be light and over quickly, then we can go get drunk".
Two and half hours later we walk out of the cinema, I turn to her to lay blame, and before I can say anything, she punches me in the arm and says, " I can't believe you didn't talk me out of that."
Chicks... whatcha gonna do?!?