27 August 2008
24 August 2008
Wrestlemaniac - El Mascarado Massacre
When the Americans are looking for serious villains for their movies they generally choose Russians, North Koreans, or Arabs. If they want comedic villains, then they look south of the border to Mexico. I don’t think the Americans have ever forgiven the Mexicans for the Alamo, or Taco Bell, or The Real Cancun.
Mexico is known for many things, but mainly cheap pharmaceuticals, cheap medical treatments, cheap alcohol, cheap food, cheap holidays, and wrestling. Wrestlemaniac combines Mexico’s love of wrestling with their trade in questionable medical procedures, with some hapless Americans as victims.
A van of Americans head to Mexico to shoot an amateur porn film, which is as good an excuse as any to show boobies. They end up in a deserted town that is rumoured to be haunted by a crazed, Mexican wrestler. Years ago the Mexican government was desperate to win Olympic gold in wrestling, so a team of surgeons attempted to create the ultimate wrestler, pieced together from the country’s top wrestlers. The end result was Rey Mysterio Jr’s uncle, Rey Mysterio Sr. Needless to say, he didn’t win at the Olympics, went insane, and now lives to slaughter tourists.
I’m not sure this film will replace El Santo as the Mexican cult film, but the Frankenstein approach is surely worth some sort of recognition. And who doesn’t love a psycho, masked wrestler that has built his own ring and has the faces (literally) of his victims on the wall.
Mexico is known for many things, but mainly cheap pharmaceuticals, cheap medical treatments, cheap alcohol, cheap food, cheap holidays, and wrestling. Wrestlemaniac combines Mexico’s love of wrestling with their trade in questionable medical procedures, with some hapless Americans as victims.
A van of Americans head to Mexico to shoot an amateur porn film, which is as good an excuse as any to show boobies. They end up in a deserted town that is rumoured to be haunted by a crazed, Mexican wrestler. Years ago the Mexican government was desperate to win Olympic gold in wrestling, so a team of surgeons attempted to create the ultimate wrestler, pieced together from the country’s top wrestlers. The end result was Rey Mysterio Jr’s uncle, Rey Mysterio Sr. Needless to say, he didn’t win at the Olympics, went insane, and now lives to slaughter tourists.
I’m not sure this film will replace El Santo as the Mexican cult film, but the Frankenstein approach is surely worth some sort of recognition. And who doesn’t love a psycho, masked wrestler that has built his own ring and has the faces (literally) of his victims on the wall.
20 August 2008
Vacancy
So the movie "Vacancy"...do you know it?
Here's the trailer to bring you up to speed.
Here's the trailer to bring you up to speed.
Ok, you done now? Good, now do your best to forget it ever existed...Believe me, you'll be doing yourself a favour. At less than 80 minutes, the time passes quickly, but not nearly quickly enough. Even the gaggle of idiots over on IMDB find little of merit in this dog...
...and those guys will call virtually anything "genius".
edit - ok, since I originally wrote this, THEY have started praising it...( shakes head in disbelief )
The cartoon says all that I could hope to on the subject.
much love.J.
19 August 2008
17 August 2008
15 August 2008
11 August 2008
Superheroes
With Iron Man, Hulk, Dark Knight, Hancock, Spirit, Watchmen, Dr Horrible, etc, all appearing this year, we thought we would revisit some past superhero...er...successes?
The Tick
The Tick is large, blue, dumb, nigh invulnerable, and has escaped from psychiatric care. He hangs out with Arthur (an accountant dressed as a moth), Captain Liberty (a Wonder Woman parody) and Batmanuel, pronounced ‘bat man well’, (a Latino lothario interpretation of Batman). And the villains are even more peculiar. It's a crime that only 9 episodes were made.
The Flash
John Wesley Shipp is the fastest man alive, quicker than his Rogues Gallery (Including Mark Hamill as The Trickster,). He ran all the way to the end of the first season, and then off into the sunset to a new secret identity as a gay icon, and the father of noted tv mutant Dawson Leery. The series starts slow but picks up as more supervillains arrive in Central City.
The Greatest American Hero
It may be sickly sweet television, but the misadventures of William Katt, who lost the instruction book to his superhero suit, is strangely engaging. Robert Culp’s dry witted presence, as well as his penchant for dry dog food, helps. The series sequel, "Greatest American Heroine" however, should be avoided like Superman might avoid stepping in Kryptonite.
Batman
The 1966 movie is campy, colourful, crazy, and inventive. The Joker, Penguin, Riddler, and Catwoman team up and Batman and Robin have to rely on all their wits (as well as Bat Shark Repellent) to save the day. Ridiculously brilliant. Where was my Bat Shark Repellent when I needed protection from Deep Blue Sea.
The Tick
The Tick is large, blue, dumb, nigh invulnerable, and has escaped from psychiatric care. He hangs out with Arthur (an accountant dressed as a moth), Captain Liberty (a Wonder Woman parody) and Batmanuel, pronounced ‘bat man well’, (a Latino lothario interpretation of Batman). And the villains are even more peculiar. It's a crime that only 9 episodes were made.
The Flash
John Wesley Shipp is the fastest man alive, quicker than his Rogues Gallery (Including Mark Hamill as The Trickster,). He ran all the way to the end of the first season, and then off into the sunset to a new secret identity as a gay icon, and the father of noted tv mutant Dawson Leery. The series starts slow but picks up as more supervillains arrive in Central City.
The Greatest American Hero
It may be sickly sweet television, but the misadventures of William Katt, who lost the instruction book to his superhero suit, is strangely engaging. Robert Culp’s dry witted presence, as well as his penchant for dry dog food, helps. The series sequel, "Greatest American Heroine" however, should be avoided like Superman might avoid stepping in Kryptonite.
Batman
The 1966 movie is campy, colourful, crazy, and inventive. The Joker, Penguin, Riddler, and Catwoman team up and Batman and Robin have to rely on all their wits (as well as Bat Shark Repellent) to save the day. Ridiculously brilliant. Where was my Bat Shark Repellent when I needed protection from Deep Blue Sea.
10 August 2008
Spiderman 3
A superhero is only as good as the villain they face, and Venom in Spiderman 3 is lame. This film is more The OC with CGI than a superhero film. The original, with Willem Dafoe as the Green Goblin is best, but Alfred Molina as Doctor Octopus in the sequel is cool too.
07 August 2008
Wrestlers making movies
The WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) should not make movies. I know they want to increase their revenue and milk their demographic, but can’t they make something better thasn what they are currently producing?
There was a time when wrestlers made good films – Rowdy Roddy Piper in They Live and Hell Comes To Frogtown, Jesse The Body Ventura in Abraxas, Predator and Running Man, WCW World Champion David Arquette in Ready To Rumble, and Hulk Hogan in No Holds Barred and Santa With Muscles. Okay. Maybe Hogan is a bad example. Of a wrestler and an actor. I must admit though, I did enjoy Bill Goldberg in Santa’s Slay. Check that one out.
There was a time when wrestlers made good films – Rowdy Roddy Piper in They Live and Hell Comes To Frogtown, Jesse The Body Ventura in Abraxas, Predator and Running Man, WCW World Champion David Arquette in Ready To Rumble, and Hulk Hogan in No Holds Barred and Santa With Muscles. Okay. Maybe Hogan is a bad example. Of a wrestler and an actor. I must admit though, I did enjoy Bill Goldberg in Santa’s Slay. Check that one out.
06 August 2008
The Marine
John Cena is another wrestler who thinks he is an actor. Maybe he is, but I can’t tell from this movie. Cena is a recently discharged Marine who pursues the criminals who have kidnapped his wife. The movie has a lot of improbable, unbelievable, ridiculous and frequent action, which means it should be good, but it’s not. This film has more plot holes than it has plot.
05 August 2008
The Condemned
Stone Cold Steve Austin, former WWE heavyweight champion returns to our screen in a variation on the Battle Royale scenario. Condemned prisoners from third world countries are taken to an island where they will fight to the death, live on the internet. In amongst the moral outrage the show causes there is some juicy violence but that doesn’t save this predictable film. Does anyone not expect Austin to be falsely imprisoned or to be the ‘winner’? Co-star Vinnie Jones was better in Slipstream.
04 August 2008
See No Evil
Wrestling superstar Kane (WWE's Big, Red Machine) is a psychopathic slayer who, in the tradition of all cliched films, was abused as a child. There is no surprise when a group of teens have to spend the night in the deserted hotel that Jacob will start killing them and taking their eyes, hence the title. This is a film without scares, suspense, or an original idea. The only novelty is that it is directed by former adult film director Gregory ‘New Wave Hookers’ Dark. Bring back Freddy Kreuger.
03 August 2008
Control
Many years ago I was reluctantly preparing myself for school when I heard about Ian Curtis’ suicide on the radio and I was shocked. It was a surprise that Ian C took his own life, even though Joy Division projected an image of doom and gloom. A year earlier I heard of Sid Vicious’ death in a similar way and I was amused. Sid was a comedic character and I was amazed he had survived that long. Curtis was the classic tragic figure, unhappy living in a world of, mostly, his own making. Curtis was from near Manchester, a city that has produced interesting talent over the years, including the brilliance of the Pete Shelley, the lunacy of Mark E Smith, and the absolute banality of Morrisey. I’m still hoping to hear on the news one morning that Morrisey is gone from my life.
The film starts in 1973 in Macclesfield, which is close to Manchester, where high school student Ian Curtis (Sam Riley) spends his days writing poetry, experimenting with prescription medication, miming to Bowie, and stealing his best friend’s girl, Deborah Woodruff (Samantha Morton). Curtis is one of the people at the Sex Pistols’ influential 1976 Manchester gig, and that is the catalyst to him joining the band that will become Joy Division.
Joy Division’s post punk sound and dark, brooding, poetic songs make an impact on the local scene. They tour to London to spread their name and it is there that Ian meets Belgium temptress Annik Honore, and they begin an affair.
The film ends in 1980 with Curtis struggling with the band’s success, his epilepsy, his feelings for Annik, and a sense of obligation to his wife and young daughter (Natalie). He had created two lives for himself and wanted neither. The ending is a part of music history, but it is still jolting when it happens.
Control is based on the book, Touching From A Distance, by Curtis’s wife Deborah and filmed by Joy Division photographer, fan, and friend, Anton Corbijn. These are two people who know the subject well, although they may not know the complete story. The black and white film captures the atmosphere that Joy Division always promoted, with some scenes growing out of Anton’s past photographs. Riley is haunting as Curtis, as he accurately captures the look, voice and movements of the dead star. The attention to detail in location, wardrobe and musical instruments should impress anybody familiar with Joy Division.
It’s a very fine production, but two hours watching someone wallow through an existence they made for themselves but couldn’t deal with is not my idea of entertainment. That may because I know the story well, or because I am incredibly shallow. The film lifted when the band played, and the actors actually did play and sing the songs. Through their performance you can imagine the energy and atmosphere of a Joy Division gig. The score is perfectly chosen to enhance the film, with incidental music by the real band and other relevant artists of the time.
The film is not all torment and depression, there is some comedy. My favourite parts being the appearance of legendary punk poet, John Cooker Clark, Curtis describing his favourite colour, and a depressed Curtis being told, “It could be worse. You could be the lead singer of The Fall.” It’s a brilliant film, even if it is not to my liking, but don’t expect to leave it feeling happy.
The film starts in 1973 in Macclesfield, which is close to Manchester, where high school student Ian Curtis (Sam Riley) spends his days writing poetry, experimenting with prescription medication, miming to Bowie, and stealing his best friend’s girl, Deborah Woodruff (Samantha Morton). Curtis is one of the people at the Sex Pistols’ influential 1976 Manchester gig, and that is the catalyst to him joining the band that will become Joy Division.
Joy Division’s post punk sound and dark, brooding, poetic songs make an impact on the local scene. They tour to London to spread their name and it is there that Ian meets Belgium temptress Annik Honore, and they begin an affair.
The film ends in 1980 with Curtis struggling with the band’s success, his epilepsy, his feelings for Annik, and a sense of obligation to his wife and young daughter (Natalie). He had created two lives for himself and wanted neither. The ending is a part of music history, but it is still jolting when it happens.
Control is based on the book, Touching From A Distance, by Curtis’s wife Deborah and filmed by Joy Division photographer, fan, and friend, Anton Corbijn. These are two people who know the subject well, although they may not know the complete story. The black and white film captures the atmosphere that Joy Division always promoted, with some scenes growing out of Anton’s past photographs. Riley is haunting as Curtis, as he accurately captures the look, voice and movements of the dead star. The attention to detail in location, wardrobe and musical instruments should impress anybody familiar with Joy Division.
It’s a very fine production, but two hours watching someone wallow through an existence they made for themselves but couldn’t deal with is not my idea of entertainment. That may because I know the story well, or because I am incredibly shallow. The film lifted when the band played, and the actors actually did play and sing the songs. Through their performance you can imagine the energy and atmosphere of a Joy Division gig. The score is perfectly chosen to enhance the film, with incidental music by the real band and other relevant artists of the time.
The film is not all torment and depression, there is some comedy. My favourite parts being the appearance of legendary punk poet, John Cooker Clark, Curtis describing his favourite colour, and a depressed Curtis being told, “It could be worse. You could be the lead singer of The Fall.” It’s a brilliant film, even if it is not to my liking, but don’t expect to leave it feeling happy.
01 August 2008
Bad Boys
...for the record, I had free tix to Bad Boys 2 back in the day. I was seeing a film with my friend Lisa, and we were deciding between that and 28 Days Later. I left the choice to Lise, and she said "lets see Bad Boys, it'll be light and over quickly, then we can go get drunk".
Two and half hours later we walk out of the cinema, I turn to her to lay blame, and before I can say anything, she punches me in the arm and says, " I can't believe you didn't talk me out of that."
Chicks... whatcha gonna do?!?
30 July 2008
National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets
There was a time when Nicolas Cage was cool, but that was a long time ago in Valley Girl and Vampire’s Kiss, although Face Off and Snake Eyes were pretty good. Now he seems obsessed with making American propaganda (Windtalkers, National Treasure, World trade Centre). This time Nic teams with girlfriend/ex-girlfriend Diane Kruger and comic relief sidekick Justin Bartha to find the City of Gold. Expect another “I love America” speech amongst the preposterous clues, Indiana Jones style traps, the ridiculing of other countries, and villains that just aren’t evil enough.
28 July 2008
Ghost Rider
As a child the superhero comics I hated the most were Silver Surfer and Ghost Rider. The hippy Surfer and the pseudo-biker Rider held no interest for me. They didn’t even have the cool villains that were indicative of the period. This film has not changed my opinion of the character. Nicolas Cage needs a stern talking to.
26 July 2008
Dead Man
24 July 2008
Black Sheep
Writer and director Jonathon King has an unabashed fondness for the cinema classics Evil Dead (Sam Raimi before he went Hollywood) and Bad Taste (Peter Jackson before he went Hollywood). And King is from New Zealand, so I guess it was inevitable he would make a film about sheep with a taste for flesh. Well, he had to make a film about sheep, their lust for killing was purely optional. It’s the kind of animals on the rampage movie, with an ecological message, that was big in the seventies with films like ‘Night of the Lepus’ and ‘Frogs’.
The film’s hero is Henry, who returns to his family’s sheep farm to sell his share to his brother Angus. The dubious Angus has been working with the even more dubious Doctor Rush on genetically modifying sheep, although the good doctor has gone further than Angus realises. When two environmental protesters, Grant and Experience, release one of the mutant lambs, all hell breaks loose. One bite from the lamb turns other sheep in to killers, and humans in to weresheep. Who will survive the bloodbaath?
This film is fun and graphic, and it is hard not to like the subject matter when they make every sheep joke imaginable and use the stunt sheep from Babe, but it should have been better. The pace is too relaxed for the frenzy of the killings. The film needed more action, more humour, and more suspense to increase the tempo. I had seen a 28 Weeks Later the week before, so my expectation of zombie films, even zombie sheep films, was possibly too high. Black Sheep is still better than most other films I have seen recently and at least it doesn’t take itself too seriously. Is that enough reason to see it? How many reasons do you need to see a film about rampant, killer sheep?
The film’s hero is Henry, who returns to his family’s sheep farm to sell his share to his brother Angus. The dubious Angus has been working with the even more dubious Doctor Rush on genetically modifying sheep, although the good doctor has gone further than Angus realises. When two environmental protesters, Grant and Experience, release one of the mutant lambs, all hell breaks loose. One bite from the lamb turns other sheep in to killers, and humans in to weresheep. Who will survive the bloodbaath?
This film is fun and graphic, and it is hard not to like the subject matter when they make every sheep joke imaginable and use the stunt sheep from Babe, but it should have been better. The pace is too relaxed for the frenzy of the killings. The film needed more action, more humour, and more suspense to increase the tempo. I had seen a 28 Weeks Later the week before, so my expectation of zombie films, even zombie sheep films, was possibly too high. Black Sheep is still better than most other films I have seen recently and at least it doesn’t take itself too seriously. Is that enough reason to see it? How many reasons do you need to see a film about rampant, killer sheep?
23 July 2008
Vampire films
We love vampire films, but most of them really are dreadful, as we reminded ourselves recently.
Rise: Blood Hunter
I was excited when I found a vampire film starring Lucy Liu (Shanghai Noon) and Michael Chiklis (The Shield). Had I noticed it was written by Sebastian Gutierrez (Snakes On A Plane), I would have felt otherwise. Lucy was killed in a vampiric orgy and has risen seeking revenge. Chiklis is a cop trying to make sense of it all. I was trying to make sense of why they were in it. Lucy’s nudity and the generous lashings of blood barely made it watchable. Still, at least it wasn’t Charlie’s Angels 2.
David (Kill Bill) Carradine is Van Helsing and he is tracking vampires over the internet. Natalie Brown is a reporter investigating a mysterious, online, dating service. Of course their paths cross. It is not a great film, not much happens, and the attempts at eroticism are lame, but it is slightly original, the Carradine in-jokes are good, Julian Richings is a great killer, and the women are “like ravenous, vampire sluts”.
Slayer
Caspar Van Diem (Starship Troopers) is doing well establishing himself as a reliable action star. Here he leads a troop of soldiers in to South America where they discover the legends of vampires are not just legends. Lots of action, blood, hamming it up, and acceptable twists make this film undemanding but entertaining.
Dracula 3000
Worst vampire film ever. And I’ve seen Queen Of The Damned.
22 July 2008
New column for the fabulous sebastian and Mister J is published
If you are living in Brisbane, grab the latest issue of Rave magazine which contains the debut instalment of the newest collaboration between Mister J and the fabulous sebastian...DVD Purgatory...which is the name we use here.
It's a fornightly column where we review a selection of the dodgier films on the shelves. And we do mean dodgy.
If you don't live in Brisbane, you can download a pdf of the issue at the Rave website. And go to Page 35.
www.ravemagazine.com.au
There is stuff in the latest issue of Filmink too.
It's a fornightly column where we review a selection of the dodgier films on the shelves. And we do mean dodgy.
If you don't live in Brisbane, you can download a pdf of the issue at the Rave website. And go to Page 35.
www.ravemagazine.com.au
There is stuff in the latest issue of Filmink too.
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