The Wrestler

Oh come on now... it was an easy mistake to make. And seriously, are Courtney Love, Mickey Rourke, and Marisa Tomei ALL going to Janice Dickinson's plastic surgeon these days?!?

For the record, I liked the film a lot... but I didn't love it. You should still see it if you haven't already though, it is well worth your time.

Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay (2008)

In this sequel, the duo are on their way to Amsterdam when they are arrested and detained as terrorists, sent to Guantanamo Bay, escape from Guantanamo Bay, go to a bottomless party, meet a drug fuelled sex crazed unicorn loving Neil Patrick Harris, meet a drug smoking George W Bush, crash Kumar’s ex-girlfriend’s wedding, and finally make it to Amsterdam. There are not a lot of laughs but, amongst the sex and drugs and racial jokes, they do take some amusing, cheap shots at the US government.

Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle (2004)

Ethnic and drug jokes abound as Harold (Korean) and Kumar (Indian), in an attempt to become the new Cheech and Chong, try to make it to a fast food restaurant while high. It’s not funny and the only good parts involve Neil Patrick Harris playing Neil Patrick Harris as a drug fuelled sex fiend and the "verry accurate" police sketch of Harold and Kumar at the end.

Taken (2008)

Maggie Grace arrives in Paris for a holiday when, unluckily, she is kidnapped by Albanians to be sold to the highest bidder. Luckily her father, Liam Neeson, happens to be an ex-spy who quickly arrives in France seeking vengeance. Violence and death quickly follow.

This is a story (co-written by Luc Besson) so simplistic it lacks even a love interest for Liam Neeson, which is good. It is the basic, no thought, excuse for pain and bloodshed you expect to see from Steven Seagal or Jean Claude van Damme, not an actor the calibre of Neeson. It’s not a bad film, it’s just that Neeson is too good for it.

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008)

Keanu Reeves arrives on Earth in a large, glowing Chupa Chup as an intergalactic Al Gore to tell humans that we are destroying this precious planet. Keanu pulls out alien cliché number one, “take me to your leader”, before resorting to alien cliché number two, “all humans must die”, and unleashing his giant, CGI robot (known as Gort in the original movie). Jennifer Connelly and her annoying son, Jaden Smith, do their best to convince Keanu that humans really are nice people, despite evidence to the contrary, including the actions of ruthless, egomaniacal US Secretary of Defence, Kathy Bates.

The original film is a classic of nuclear war paranoia and there was little hope of this film competing on that level, but that doesn’t mean it is without value. The Global Warming angle makes it more modern, Keanu is less emotionless than usual (making him perfect to play an alien), Jennifer is appealing, Jaden Smith’s character is pointless (but since Will Smith wasn’t in the movie, another member of his family had to be), Kathy is brilliant, and the new meaning of the day the earth stood still is clever.

Lost Boys The Tribe (aka Lost Boys 2) (2008)

Lost Boys is a great vampire film that would have been the vampire movie of 1987, had Near Dark not also been released that same year. It has taken a long time, but finally the coastal vampires are back, looking to party hard and drink some blood.

Siblings Tad Hilgenbrink and Autumn Reeser (relatives of the family in the original) arrive in Luna Bay where Autumn is lured in to the vampire gang of Angus Sutherland (half brother of Kiefer Sutherland who was a vampire in the original). Things are looking precarious for Tad until Corey Feldman arrives and, in his best Christian Bale Batman voice, introduces himself as, “Edgar Frog, surfboard shaper and vampire hunter”. Feldman, reprising his character from the original, has an array of tragically corny and laughable lines even more impressive than his vampire slaying arsenal. The fight is then on to save the girl, the town, and even the emo boy that likes Autumn.

The Tribe, like most modern vampire films, updates traditional vampire folk lore to add some modern variations. The night walkers surf, skateboard, ride motorcycles, and potentially like any extreme sport, and they can be killed with any pointy object, although the object doesn’t need to be that pointy. Sutherland’s acting is so wooden it would be annoying if there wasn’t enough happening around him to be distracting, including a horny, naked, vampire girl that tries to seduce Tad. The film can’t be taken too seriously, but neither could the original, and that is part of the Lost Boys magic.

Passion of the Christ

Gene Generation (2007)

Bai Ling has made a career out of being the hot oriental babe in movies (Lost, Southland Tales, The Breed, Wild Wild West, The Crow, etc), but it is nicer to see her in a starring role. Bai is an assassin sometime in the future, and she mostly targets DNA hackers, while her younger brother has a gambling problem, and her neighbour is a DNA scientist in hiding. The stories overlap and collide with Bai trying to save or seduce everyone.

Bai looks fantastic in her big boots and fetish wear, especially when her guns are bigger than her clothes. Ling joins the list of loveable, lithe ladies who have squeezed themselves in to seductively tight and erotic outfits for our viewing pleasure (Charlize Theron in Aeon Flux, Milla Jovovich in Ultraviolet, Kate Beckinsdale in Underworld, etc) and she deserves to be more widely appreciated for her efforts. Why is it in the future people always were leather and rubber and go to goth clubs where industrial bands play? (Combichrist are this film’s featured band) Is today’s underground scene somehow going to become the mainstream? Gene Generation is slower and less interesting than it should be, and the CGI is abysmal, but Bai’s eruptions of violence (and her nipples) make up for everything.

Hellboy 2 The Golden Army (2008)

Hellboy (Ron Perlman), super cute firebomb Liz Sherman (Selma Blair), the sensitive and highly educated Abe Sapien (Doug Jones), and the team’s new boss, the gaseous German Dr Krauss (John Alexander), find themselves in the plot from Mummy 3 (and numerous other films) when a bad guy (Luke Goss) attempts to raise an indestructible army to conquer the world.

Director/writer Guillermo del Toro’s first Hellboy movie was visually beautiful and well cast, but dull. Guillermo’s sequel is a vast improvement and it’s narrative fluidity compliments his flamboyant, visual style. In Hellboy 2, the tempo is quicker, the jokes more frequent, and the characterisation and plot less laboured. There is even time for Barry Manilow.

Stephen King's The Mist

Surprisingly, Stephen King's The Mist is actually quite a good film. But come on... where's the fun in saying that in a cartoon?

Frank Darabont returns to familiar territory with King, having previously directed big screen adaptions of his work with both the Green mile, and Shawshank Redemption. The plot is simple, a Mist ( not a Fog ) rolls into town trapping a whole bunch of people in a supermarket. They quickly discover the mist hides something terrible ( again, not the Fog ), and these fears threaten to tear them apart.

The Mist is tense and well-written, with great ensemble cast coming together to make a film which is both frightening, smart, and ultimately very bleak. Think of Cloverfield, but smarter, and you won't go far wrong ( though even Cloverfield has more of a Hollywood ending than this one ). An unexpected and curiously satisfying film.

Babylon AD (2008)

One dimensional, testosterone machine Vin Diesel teams with the beautiful, graceful, and tough Michelle Yeoh (once again proving she is the best female action star in the world, if not the best action star regardless of gender) to transport a mysterious young woman Aurora (Melanie Thierry) from Russia to America. There aren’t many different plot lines for movies set in the near future, and this is the one used in The Ultimate Warrior, Children of Men, and countless other films.

Is it possible to make a bad post-apocalyptic movie? I know many people have tried (Kevin Costner more than once) but they still always turn out to be okay, and Babylon AD is no exception. Having Gerard Depardieu play a crazy Russian helps.

She may look like a grasshopper but...

Gran Torino (2008)

Clint Eastwood is the best, cantankerous, old man ever...

"I've been called a lot of things, but never funny."

Godfather

Future Sport

The Wrestler is receiving rave reviews, even without an obligatory appearance by Hulk Hogan (3 Ninjas High Noon At Mega Mountain), and we started thinking about, but certainly not doing any, sport. The only sports we like are professional wrestling and roller derby but, in the movies, we have a fondness for little known sports (Dodgeball) and, even better, crazy future sports.

Death Race (2008)

In the near future, prisoners (including a framed Jason Statham) race to the death in heavily weaponed cars for the entertainment of paying viewers. There is a sliver of a story about corruption and revenge amongst the violence but, let's be honest, the film is mostly about the violence.

Death Racers (2008)
A super low budget release to capitalise on the publicity and interest for Death Race. A bunch of criminals race in customised cars to find Raven (former ECW champion) who is about to release a toxin in to the water supply. It is bad and not helped that one of the teams is the Inane Clown Posse (sorry, Insane Clown Posse) who also provide much of the music.

Death Race 2000 (1975)
David Carradine drives against a pre-Rocky, pre-elocution lessons, Sylvester Stallone and other crazies in a race where points are scored by killing pedestrians. Set in a post-economic collapse, police state America (sound familiar?), godlike cheapskate Roger Corman blends subversion with the outlandish in an Iron Chef like fusion of wonder.

Rollerball (1975)
The world of Rollerball (roller derby with motorcycles and, perhaps disturbingly for the current all female derby revival, balls) is run by corporations. It is a world without heroes (not the tv show, although it doesn't have that either ) and when James Caan becomes bigger than the game, the rules are changed to stop him. Violent, provocative, and not too different from our reality.

Rollerball (2002)
A modern remake where the game remains the same, but the social commentary is replaced by cliched characters and plot. The action scenes and the match commentary, by wrestling commentator Paul E Dangerously, are all this film has going for it.

Running Man (1987)
Convicted criminals fight for their freedom on a televised game show in the near future. Or do they? Arnold Schwarzenegger is about to find out. Stephen King wrote his best work, like this story, under the name Richard Bachman. This may not be that similar to King’s story, but it does have Jesse Ventura and some enjoyably bad one liners.

Kansas City Bomber (1972)
Raquel Welch does roller derby, in an exploration of how business runs sport with little regard to the impact on the athletes. It veers towards soap opera at times, but then comes crashing back with some great on track action. It’s always nice seeing old school roller derby, and Raquel in her derby gear isn't bad either.

Bad News Bears (1976)
A hard drinking, foul mouthed, unrepentant, unapologetic Walter Matthau coaches a team of hard drinking, foul mouthed, unrepentant, unapologetic, juvenile delinquents. Best sports movie ever? Certainly better than the soft remake.

Land of the "Lost"

Well, we are doubly blessed. Not only has "Lost" returned to our screens, we are soon ( well... July ) to have the big screen version of "Land Of The Lost" as well.

Slightly re-envisioned from the 70's Saturday morning show whose opening sequence gave me nightmares for years, and in hindsight, makes me slightly embarrassed to even be mentioning it here, the trailer for Will Ferrell's version has now surfaced in all the usual outlets.

Ladies and gentlemen, we do certainly live in an age of wonder.

Freddy

The Rocker (2008)

In 1986, big hair rockers Vesuvius are offered a recording contract that will make them superstars, but only if they replace their drummer, Fish. 20 years later and a despondent Fish joins his teenage nephew’s band and success beckons. It’s not Bad News (greatest rock mockumentary of all time), but Rainn Wilson (channelling his character Dwight Shrute from the Office) brings a lot of attitude to the lead role, Christina Applegate once again displays her masterful comic timing, and most of the jokes work.

Matt: Sorry, uncle Rob. Where we playing too loud?
Fish: Too loud is not in my vocabulary.

The Shepherd Border Patrol (2008)

Jean Claude Van Damme has made at least some good films (Timecop, Hard Target, Until Death), but mostly they are formulaic drokk with repetitive fight scenes. In The Shepherd he is a member of the US Border Patrol whose job is a little harder than usual because mercenaries are coordinating the drug smuggling. Some comedy (Jean Claude repeatedly referred to as sexy), some good fight scenes (Scott Adkins is brilliant), and some nastiness make this film watchable.