Franklyn (2009)

In the future, everyone has a religion, even if it is based on nothing more than a washing machine instruction manual. Everyone that is except for Jonathon Preest (Ryan Phillippe) who finds himself arrested and then recruited by the men in big hats. It’s more complicated and potentially interesting than that, including overlapping stories from different times, but this film is so excruciatingly dull I stopped caring long before the end. A little bit Dark City, a little bit Donnie Darko, a little bit V For Vendetta, but mostly a whole lot of boring.

Feast ?

I think its the teeth and the anger management issues that confused her...
Cassi does have very rodent like teeth.

Still, in the interest of fair and balanced reportage, it must be noted that sadly, she does take a good photo.

Feast 3 A Happy Finish (2009)

Feast 3 picks up immediately where Feast 2 finishes, with monsters at the door. Dragging out the scenario of the second film for another 80 minutes is pushing the idea a little bit, and the law of diminishing returns kicks in as the same people do the same thing once again. Not all bad, thanks to a steady flow of gore and laughs, but a little tiresome. The ending is particularly inane, and no doubt designed to annoy, but the song over the end credits is nice.

Feast 2 Sloppy Seconds (2008)

Feast 2 starts the morning after Feast, as some of the survivors from the original movie arrive in a nearby town, only to find it is also under attack by the same creatures. The band of humans on the runs grows as people put their differences aside and join forces to fight for the lives and find a way out. Amongst the killing and desperation are two Mexican midget wrestlers and some biker chicks who lose their clothes for no apparent reason. Not as good as the original, with the scenario changing from Evil Dead to Tremors, but it has plenty of blood and humour and goes at a fairly cracking pace until abruptly ending with a cliffhanger.

Feast (2005)

A quiet drink at a remote bar goes horribly wrong when vicious creatures appear out of the darkness and attack. The patrons and staff do what they can to survive as the monsters pick them off one by one. It’s a well used formula (eg Evil Dead) that is given some new twists (including labelling the characters and posting their life expectancies) and manages to keep up the momentum until the end. It’s pretty good fun so there is no surprise they made a sequel (or two).

The Butcher (2007)

Eric Roberts is a heavy for an LA crime boss, but has become bored and disenchanted with his lifestyle choice. Eric, who “has a degree in the science of violence”, decides to make a break from his dysfunctional family with bloody results. This attempt to make another “realistic” gangster film is slow, derivative, with even the shooting and its graphic results providing little enjoyment. I like Eric Roberts, but his smile and haggard looks aren’t enough to make this 100 minute movie worth the effort.

Zombie Self-Defense Force (2006)

The start of this Japanese film is unexpected. It’s a diatribe against the USA and it’s war efforts that ends with a short list of things the narrator likes about America, including George A Romero. And that is the set-up for the zombies in the first film in the Nihombie (Nihonbi) series.

A UFO crashes in the forest where there happens to be some gangsters, a pop star on a fashion shoot, a squad of soldiers, and a dead Japanese general. The crash coincides with the dead coming back to life and zombie mayhem following shortly after. A mostly by-the-book (the book Romero wrote) zombie film that has gore, funny moments, a zombie baby, an adorable alien, and a twist that involves a cute girl with sword (of course) that turns out more warped than it sounds.

Yes Man (2008)

Jim Carrey lives a fairly dull existence devoid of motivation or much social interaction. That is until he goes to a Terence Stamp seminar and starts saying ‘yes’ to everyone and everything. This opens up his life to sex with old women, jogging photography with Zooey Deschanel, a Harry Potter fancy dress party, being arrested as a terrorist, and other assorted madness (often with Zooey). It’s the same moralistic tale disguised as a comedy that Shallow Hal, or Carrey’s superior Liar Liar, is (although it is based on an autobiographical book). Yes Man has funny moments but is ultimately limited by overselling the message. My favourite bits were Zooey’s angry art rock band (Munchausen by Proxy), Rhys Darby’s character, and the skate suits that Carrey and Zooey wear during the end credits.

Kickin It Old School (2007)

It’s 1986 and 12yo Justin is leader of the Funky Fresh Boys (a high school breakdance crew), has a crush on a grrl named Jenny, and a rivalry with the bratty Kip, until a breakdance accident puts him in a coma. Justin (Jaimie Kennedy) awakens in 2006, thanks to the power of Herbie Hancock, a puts his group back together to save his parent’s house and win back his childhood sweetheart who is now dating Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum as the adult Kip).

It’s the classic nerds versus jocks storyline from movies and, while it may not be as good as Revenge Of The Nerds or Dodgeball, it’s better than many others. It is loaded with eighties film references, music, fashion, and cameo appearances (including Knight Rider’s David Hasselhoff and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’s Alan Ruck) to keep you entertained (and make you cringe). Rosenbaum is great as he takes his evil persona to a new high.

Cyborg 2 (1993)

Cyborg was a double whammy. It introduced the world to Jean Claude Van Damme and was one of the worse post-apocalyptic movies I have seen. Cyborg 2 isn’t an improvement as it tries to be serious and meaningful, but fails. It is not Bladerunner. 18yo Angelina Jolie, who was even worse as an action star then than she is in Tomb Raider, is a cyborg on the run from the company that made her. The only positives in the movie are the always reliable Jack Palance, who should have won the Oscar for his supporting role here rather than City Slickers, and Billy Drago, a good low price bad guy.

Batman Gotham Knight (2008)

This feature length spin-off from the wonderful Batman Animated series lets 6 different writers tackle the legend of the Dark Knight. Kevin Conroy continues to provide the voice and I consider his to be the definitive voice of the world’s greatest detective, even more so than Adam West. The results from the writers are varied and not as captivating as the series, but they all link together to provide insights into the man, the myth, and the legend.

Josh Olson – A group of street kids discuss if Batman is human, superhuman, or monster?
Greg Rucka – What do the police think of Batman?
Jordan Goldberg - Batman’s gadgets and morality.
David S Goyer – Batman and Gordon vs Scarecrow and Killer Croc
Brian Azzarello – An exploration of Batman’s past and his pain.
Alan Burnett – Batman vs Deadshot, where we learn more of Batman’s motivations.

Superman Doomsday (2008)

Superman was killed in the comics by intergalactic bad guy Doomsday. Of course Supes came back. Now we have a movie version of that story, although heavily modified to make it shorter and self-contained. Doomsday appears, battles and kills Superman (Adam Baldwin), and the world mourns. It’s not long before the big guy returns from the dead, although the resurrected Superman is a little more extreme than before. Maybe Lex Luthor (James Marsters) knows why.

Superman comics have never held my attention, unless he is teaming/arguing with Batman or working alongside other heroes in the JLA, and this movie had the same problem. I just don’t find Superman and his friends interesting. Lex Luthor has always been a much more interesting character, but the other villains are dull compared to the crazies that Batman deals with.

Justice League The New Frontier (2008)

The Justice League cartoon goes back in time (1953 – 1960) where some heroes are established in the public eye (eg Superman) while others are about to make their first appearance (eg Green Lantern) in this adaptation of the “DC The New Frontier” comic. It’s McCarthy era America and the hunt is on for communists. The Flash comes under suspicion because he wears red. The Martian Manhunter comes under suspicion because he is Martian. And Batman lurks around in the dark doing his own thing. Hal Jordan’s story is one of the links between all that is happening, including his preparations to fly to Mars and his discovery of a wounded member of the Green Lantern Corp. The squabbling and paranoia of America is questioned when a common and very powerful enemy, The Center (aka Dinosaur Island), appears and threatens life as we know it.

It’s a cute spin on the Justice League and is reminiscent of the Watchmen at times. There are clever references (my favourite being the 2001 A Space Odyssey line involving bomb doors and Hal Jordan), variations on characters (including the reason Batman has Robin), the appearance of many superheroes in support roles (eg Blackhawk Squadron), and some great voices for the characters (David Boreanz, Neil Patrick Harris, Lucy Lawless, etc). The DC animated series delivers yet again, even if the very end is a little bit too much like pro-American propaganda for my tastes.

Eye Of The Beast (2007)

James Van Der Beek leaves the safety of Dawson’s Creek to investigate the declining fish population in his role as a marine biologist. Could it be a giant squid? Yes it is, and it has found its way in to the plot from Jaws. Unconvincing on all levels, especially making the main story about local hostilities rather than a deadly sea monster. Fifties B grade schlock without the appeal. The less said about the “special” effects the better.

Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling - Season 1 (2008)

The word "celebrity" in this title is a little misleading, if not an outright lie. A more accurate description might be "exactly who are these people and why am I supposed to know them".

Dennis Rodman is the only one with a legitimate claim to be a celebrity, and I use the word "legitimate" loosely. Butterbean may be reasonably well known to boxing, or tough man contest fans, but the rest of the world is oblivious to his blubbery fighting achievements. Danny Bonaduce is known not so much for his role in The Partridge Family, but more for his anger issues, his alcohol and drug problems, and for prostituting himself on any tv show (including his own) for the price of a cup of coffee (or a can of beer). Todd Bridges played Willis on Different Strokes and was surely mostly forgotten before this show came along. A category Dustin Diamond (who played Screech in Saved By The Bell) would have to step up to be in. Nobody really knew him in the first place. Erin Murphy was very young when she was Tabitha on Bewitched and I have no idea where they found her for this. The birthing ward maybe? Surreal Life?? Frank Stallone (brother of Sylvester) is the oldest of the competitors and another weird and obscure choice. Steven Ziering, from the original Beverly Hills 90210, would have been a stretch to use as a "celebrity", but it's worse than that, they use his ex-wife Nikki Ziering (a sometime actor, a sometime Playboy model, and a full time bore). Tiffany had a pop hit or two in the eighties yet still, somehow, qualifies as a "celebrity". I guess he status was enough to get her in to Playboy). And I still don't know who Trishelle Cannatella is or why she is here but, incidentally, she is the third of the contestants to be in Playboy.

The wrestlers involved are a little more legit. Hulk Hogan may be the biggest name ever in wrestling, despite his wrestling ability being less (much less) than stellar. His persona though was undeniably appealing to American males and made him the superstar that other wrestlers envied. Brian Knobbs (one half of The Nasty Boys) reputation was built more on his ability to withstand a phenomenal amount of punishment than to wrestle a technical match. Brutus Beefcake's main claim to fame was some colourful outfits (which Mr J one once saw him wearing in a gentleman's club after a live event) and the good fortune to tag-team with a genuine talent in Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. Jimmy "Mouth Of The South Hart was one of the most popular (or unpopular I guess) managers ever, but he hardly rivalled the true greats like Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. Eric Bischoff led WCW to television dominance in the nineties and, while WCW has faded in to oblivion, Eric's ego never did. Guest appearances by Bill Goldberg and Rob Van Dam help to keep the training interesting for wrestling fans.

Despite the dubious nature of the talent and trainers, the show itself is not without appeal and insight into the much maligned world of professional wrestling. Hogan even manages to come across as being more humble than he has in the past (including the admission that his wrestling ability is limited) but he is not in the show very much and seems fairly detached when he is. A style similar to that he used while hosting American Gladiators. A show which, in hindsight, is probably is even more low-brow than this one.

The contestants are divided in to two teams and each week they learn some moves and put on a show for a small audience. The training, the planning, and the clash of egos is a good introduction to the workings of professional wrestling. It was clear to me that some people only survived elimination because of their audience appeal not their wrestling ability. I'm not talking about Hogan, I'm talking about the bimbo Ziering. Based on her “sexy” looks and lack of ability it is likely she could even make it in the WWE, if she wanted to. I doubt she would because, however ditzy she might be, she's not that stupid. Bridges and Diamond seem to be enjoying themselves and showed an appreciation for wrestling and a desire to be good at it. Bonaduce showed a desire to prove himself a "talent" but, as with everything else in his life, he overestimates his ability (and appeal). The choice of winner, much like the choice of a champion in wrestling, did not come down to who was the best in the ring or training, but you'll have to watch it to find out who the it was.

This is a great companion piece for the Wrestler, with both showing life in the squared circle from behind the scenes. Though, like after watching the Wrestler, you may very well leave the screen depressed, and perhaps a little sorry for all of those involved in it.

Snakes On A Plane (2006)

Can you ever tire of Samuel L Jackson swearing and killing snakes?

Hellbent (2004)

This is a straight forward slasher film, although it’s not so straight, it’s gay. It is genuinely entertaining to have men playing the typically female roles and being ogled at when they walk in to rooms. There is also a subplot of the geek who likes the jock. Great stuff. You don’t have to be gay to enjoy this film (or the soundtrack or the buff, pretty men), where people are being killed in various gruesome ways, but you do need a sense of humour to appreciate how they cleverly play with the formula.

Attack Of The Sabretooth (2005)

In the long list of films I have seen with appalling CGI, this one may be the worse. Jurassic Park meets Jaws when a resort in Fiji recreates the extinct Sabretooth tiger. When the tigers inevitably escape and start killing people, the owners want to hide this fact while others want to kill the tigers. Unlikeable characters, uninteresting plot, unwatchable pulp.