National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets

There was a time when Nicolas Cage was cool, but that was a long time ago in Valley Girl and Vampire’s Kiss, although Face Off and Snake Eyes were pretty good. Now he seems obsessed with making American propaganda (Windtalkers, National Treasure, World trade Centre). This time Nic teams with girlfriend/ex-girlfriend Diane Kruger and comic relief sidekick Justin Bartha to find the City of Gold. Expect another “I love America” speech amongst the preposterous clues, Indiana Jones style traps, the ridiculing of other countries, and villains that just aren’t evil enough.

Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop (2006)

You can trust the Japanese to make a movie in dubious taste. Moromie Saki (Mihiro from Zombie Self-Defense Force and Samurai Princess) is a former female gang boss now working as an undercover cop (codename Agent See-Through Panties) to free her crack whore mother from prison. Her latest mission has her sent to a high school to crack a prostitution ring.

The story in Yo-Yo Sext Girl Cop is unlike any I ever saw in saw in 21 Jump Street, and it is also different from the similarly named Japanese movie Yo-Yo Girl Cop. Saki is cute, a virgin (?!) and uses a yo-yo as a weapon. Johnny Depp may have been cute, but he never cracked a prostitution ring or used a yo-yo. The Japanese fetishes for school uniforms and panties are well catered for here, and there is no shortage of unbelievable plot elements. It’s easy enough to watch, but not as good as Mihiro’s aforementioned movies.

The other title for the movie leaves little to the imagination – See-Through Panties Detective: Virgin Name = Saki Moromie.

Ghost Rider

As a child the superhero comics I hated the most were Silver Surfer and Ghost Rider. The hippy Surfer and the pseudo-biker Rider held no interest for me. They didn’t even have the cool villains that were indicative of the period. This film has not changed my opinion of the character. Nicolas Cage needs a stern talking to.

Something Beneath (2007)

Kevin Sorbo (Hercules) drops the leather and dons a priest’s collar to star in this horror movie with an environmental message. Something Underneath is a “massive fluid multicell entity whose parts can move independently or reticulate into a single network”. That means there is a black goo monster living in the sewer and killing people at an ecological summit. There are much better stories that should be filmed rather than this unoriginal and blandly executed tale. Sorbo is full of nonchalant charm though.

Dead Man

Unlike Mister J, I was in no rush to see this movie when it was released. I think Johnny Depp is okay, but he is no Richard Grieco. In the year that this was released, the multi-talented Grieco was starring his third TV series, Marker. Depp hasn't had three TV series has he? Pirate movies are a poor substitute.

Dirty Love (2005)

What would have happened if Heracles' 12 labors included watching this Jenny McCarthy movie. I'm guessing he would have failed. I would rather clean the Ugean Stables than see anymore of Jenny McCarthy's ugly head and attempts at comedy.

Black Sheep

Writer and director Jonathon King has an unabashed fondness for the cinema classics Evil Dead (Sam Raimi before he went Hollywood) and Bad Taste (Peter Jackson before he went Hollywood). And King is from New Zealand, so I guess it was inevitable he would make a film about sheep with a taste for flesh. Well, he had to make a film about sheep, their lust for killing was purely optional. It’s the kind of animals on the rampage movie, with an ecological message, that was big in the seventies with films like ‘Night of the Lepus’ and ‘Frogs’.

The film’s hero is Henry, who returns to his family’s sheep farm to sell his share to his brother Angus. The dubious Angus has been working with the even more dubious Doctor Rush on genetically modifying sheep, although the good doctor has gone further than Angus realises. When two environmental protesters, Grant and Experience, release one of the mutant lambs, all hell breaks loose. One bite from the lamb turns other sheep in to killers, and humans in to weresheep. Who will survive the bloodbaath?

This film is amusing and graphic, and it is hard not to like the subject matter when they make every sheep joke imaginable and use the stunt sheep from Babe, but it should have been better. The pace is too relaxed for the frenzy of the killings. The film needed more action, more humour, and more suspense. I had seen a 28 Weeks Later the week before, so my expectation of zombie films, even zombie sheep films, was possibly too high. Black Sheep is still better than most other films I have seen recently and at least it doesn’t take itself too seriously. Is that enough reason to see it? How many reasons do you need to see a film about rampant, killer sheep?

Vampire films

We love vampire films, but most of them really are dreadful, as we reminded ourselves recently.

Rise: Blood Hunter
I was excited when I found a vampire film starring Lucy Liu (Shanghai Noon) and Michael Chiklis (The Shield). Had I noticed it was written by Sebastian Gutierrez (Snakes On A Plane), I would have felt otherwise. Lucy was killed in a vampiric orgy and has risen seeking revenge. Chiklis is a cop trying to make sense of it all. I was trying to make sense of why they were in it. Lucy’s nudity and the generous lashings of blood barely made it watchable. Still, at least it wasn’t Charlie’s Angels 2.

The Last Sect
David (Kill Bill) Carradine is Van Helsing and he is tracking vampires over the internet. Natalie Brown is a reporter investigating a mysterious, online, dating service. Of course their paths cross. It is not a great film, not much happens, and the attempts at eroticism are lame, but it is slightly original, the Carradine in-jokes are good, Julian Richings is a great killer, and the women are “like ravenous, vampire sluts”.

Slayer
Caspar Van Diem (Starship Troopers) is doing well establishing himself as a reliable action star. Here he leads a troop of soldiers in to South America where they discover the legends of vampires are not just legends. Lots of action, blood, hamming it up, and acceptable twists make this film undemanding but entertaining.

Dracula 3000
Worst vampire film ever. And I’ve seen Queen Of The Damned.

New column for the fabulous sebastian and Mister J is published

If you are living in Brisbane, grab the latest issue of Rave magazine which contains the debut instalment of the newest collaboration between Mister J and the fabulous sebastian...DVD Purgatory...which is the name we use here.

It's a fornightly column where we review a selection of the dodgier films on the shelves. And we do mean dodgy.

If you don't live in Brisbane, you can download a pdf of the issue at the Rave website. And go to Page 35.

www.ravemagazine.com.au

There is stuff in the latest issue of Filmink too.

Old Boy

Joe Strummer, The Future Is Unwritten (2 versions)

It hardly seems like 30 years since The Clash first blasted out of my radio. I had lost interest in them by London’s Calling but, without my support, Joe Strummer went on to become a rebel hero (nothing to do with Star Wars which also exploded at that time) or a “punk rock warlord” as he calls himself.

Director Julien Temple (The Great Rock’n’Roll Swindle, The Filth And The Fury) has been filming The Clash since their beginning and has edited that footage together with an astonishing array of visual and audio sources to create a brilliantly assembled, life story. The production is elaborate, but it is the conversations with people who were close to Strummer throughout his life that gives this film substance.

Strummer (born John Mellor) rebelled against his comfortable upbringing to begin a life long search for identity and meaning. John became the hippy Woody before becoming Joe the rocker. He joined The Clash and found the fame he wanted, but couldn’t handle. He eventually disbanded the band and embarked on a personal odyssey that included travel, acting, music, and promoting political awareness before his premature demise.

The film suffers from being a little long and containing some unnecessary celebrity appearances. Bono hypocritically lectures us, from behind his oversized sunglasses that protect Northern Ireland from dangerous UV light, about the greatness of The Clash. And Johnny Depp, on the set of Pirates Of Caribbean, looks confused about why he is being interviewed.

I don’t doubt Strummer’s talent or commitment, but I still don’t see him as the icon others do. Maybe it’s because he never cleaned his teeth or maybe it’s because he thought hippy and punk were the same thing. Regardless of my opinion of the man, this is a biographical masterpiece and great viewing.

It hardly seems like 30 years since I first excited by The Clash. It has been interesting watching the singers from that time and how their lives have progressed. Johnny Rotten (Sex Pistols) moved seamlessly from angry young man to grumpy old man. Dave Vanian (The Damned) went from punk vampire to gothic Elvis. Poly Styrene (X Ray Spex) briefly joined the Hari Krishnas. Others never changed much, like TV Smith (The Adverts), Mark E Smith (The Fall), Siouxsie Sioux (Siouxsie and the Banshees), and Pete Shelley (Buzzcocks). I can only think of three that went on to big success, Billy Idol (Generation X) and Adam Ant (Adam And The Ants), neither of whom can be taken seriously, and Joe Strummer, who went on to become an icon, or a ‘punk rock warlord’ as he calls himself.

The film starts with Strummer singing White Riot and the things I like about the early Clash are obvious. Energy. Frustration. Attitude. The film is directed by Julien Temple, renowned for his Sex Pistols mockumentary The Great Rock’n’Roll Swindle and 20 years later the real story in The Filth And the Fury. Temple has has gathered together people from throughout Strummer’s life, childhood friends, ex-girlfriends, band members, Hollywood associates, etc, and let them talk about their experiences and memories. I would have liked names under the faces, but the context of the conversations usually makes it clear who they are and what their relationship was with Joe (aka John, aka Woody).

Temple has created one of the most outstandingly compiled documentaries I have ever seen, by editing together home movies, personal footage (he filmed the Clash from their beginning), commercial film, feature movies, animation, audio, and new scenes. I came out knowing a lot more about Strummer, but not thinking any better of him. That sets this film apart from movies by people like Michael Moore, who have a agenda and an opinion they want you to have. Temple presents you with the facts, as they are remembered, and lets you decide.

In the early days of punk The Clash were often derided for being middle class poseurs, and this film does not challenge that opinion. Strummer (when he was John) was the son of diplomat, and he spent his early years travelling around the globe, before ending up in boarding school. He rebelled against that upbringing and spent the rest of his life looking for where he belonged, attracting, shaping, and abandoning people as he went. John became Woody and spent time as a hippy and squatter and moved in to playing rock in the 101’ers. He became Joe Strummer and then, after seeing the Sex Pistols, joined The Clash. The Clash were a thoughtfully assembled and presented group of musicians, just like the Sex Pistols.

Punk was the best outlet for Strummer’s views, and he remained politically motivated throughout his life. His childhood roaming the globe gave him an eclectic taste in music and an awareness of issues outside of Britain. It was this wider view of the world that set the Clash apart from most of their contemporaries. The working class origins of the other early punk bands led them to be preoccupied with problems in their immediate vicinity, while Strummer’s vision was broader. Eventually Joe would revert back to his hippy origins, confusingly stating that punk and hippy were the same thing. And that cigarettes were responsible for the great art, literature and music of the twentieth century.

The latter part of the film, is packed with celebrities, some with a tenuous link to the Strummer legacy. Bono, the world’s most pretentious man, was heckled by the audience when he appeared. In between telling us that he wears abnormally large sunglasses so he can protect Northern Ireland from the hole in the Ozone Layer, he went on to lecture us about the greatness of The Clash. He may have seen them when he was a teen, but he completely missed the point of them and punk in general. Bono’s presence was ludicrous and insulting, as it always is, but another celebrity generated more response, mostly laughter. No one has been able to explain to me why Johnny Depp, in full makeup on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean, was in the film, and even he looks unsure.

There is constant talk throughout the film of how clever and articulate Joe was. In the footage we see of Joe (and there is not much footage of him talking) he doesn’t leave that impression. He was talented, and committed to what ever obsessed him at that point in time, but I don’t see him as the icon others do. Topper Headon (ex-drummer, ex-drug addict) echoes the thoughts of other people in the film when he says Joe kept his real self from those around him. Joe reminds me a lot of the Clash’s third album, London’s Calling. It is often referred to as their landmark album but, besides the great title track, I feel it is overrated, much like the career of Strummer. My views on the man aside, this is an masterful production, a little long at 2 hours, but great viewing nonetheless.

Incubus (2006)

The only thing worse than Tara Reid’s dodgy cosmetic surgery is her acting. This time she leads a group of friends in to an isolated building where their dreams are invaded by a strange young man who is hooked up to machines. The characters can’t be killed off fast enough to make this movie tolerable. Surely Tara could just flash her deformed body (the result of repeated cosmetic surgery) at the Incubus to scare him away.

I Am Omega (2007)

The world has been decimated by a virus, again, but Mark Dacascos has survived. He practises martial arts, kills the infected, and ignores the call for help on his computer in-between planting bombs around the city. His lonely existence is disrupted when he is forced to help the woman making the distress calls, a woman that may be the cure to the virus.

The Asylum mix together elements of the Last Man On Earth and The Omega Man to make their version of I Am Legend. There are some variations in there, and I guess that is enough for them to not have to credit Richard Matheson’s book. Legal copyright infringement is what The Asylum does best after all. Dacascos is one of my favourite action heroes, but he struggles being serious in this film, and I can’t blame him. It’s hard to take the movie seriously. Dacascos in everything, including Iron Chef America, The Crow tv series, and playing Sensei Ping on The Middleman. You might remember him fighting Jet Li in Cradle 2 The Grave. Dacascos’ presence makes I Am Omega better than I Am Legend, because both have krud storylines but Dacascos is cooler than Will Smith.

Shark Attack 3 Megalodon (2002)

This may well be one of the worst films ever made, and that makes it totally brilliant. It is certainly one of the most entertaining films you will ever watch. You will be glued to the screen either criticising everything that is happening, or laughing at it. I did both. There should be two scales of rating movies, one for the good and one for the delightfully bad. If there was two scales, this would be 5 out of 5 for being delightfully bad.

Megalodon is a prehistoric shark that is terrorising the coast of Mexico. It’s lucky they tell us it is Mexico because the shoreline doesn’t look like North America, and that’s because it was filmed in Bulgaria.

The shark attacks are happening at the resort where John Barrowman (Captain Jack Harkness in Torchwood and Doctor Who) works, and he can’t identify the shark tooth he finds. Palaeontologist Jenny McShane can, and she wants to save the shark, but Barrowman wants to kill it. After another attack, McShane throws away her pursuit of scientific knowledge and is lusting for the creature’s blood also. Throw in an evil corporation and an ex Navy diver and you are set for ‘action’. It’s very much the story to Jaws and, at one point, the music is even eerily similar to John Williams’ score from Jaws.

The script is less than laughably simplistic, and the acting worse than a preschool play. There are times when Jenny McShane looks to be laughing rather than being upset. They have tried to compensate for the these shortcomings by having bikini clad women walking across screen at regular intervals. That stunt is even more obvious, and clumsy, than it sounds. The effects are diabolical, but no worse than some I have seen in much more prestigious films. Of course those films were made thirty years ago, but that is not relevant.

John Barrowman is probably embarrassed that this film has made it to DVD. It may have seemed like a good idea to him back in 2002, when he was a starving actor, but, now that he has some level of credibility, he might view his decision in a different light. It’s not all bad for him. One of his lines has made it in to film history for its dubious qualities. We always know the two leads will fall for each other, but the only build up to that moment is...

Jenny McShane: "I'm tired'
John Barrowman: "Me too. But you know, I'm really wired. How about I take you home and eat your pussy."

If only dating was that simple.

The Princess Blade (2001)

There are certain films the Japanese do very well, my favourites being crazy zombie films and cute girls with swords. Sometimes they combine them, like in Onechanbara, and sometimes they keep them separate. Princess Blade is another cute girl with a sword movie, this time set sometime in the future.

Yuki is an assassin for the Takemikazuchi, but she finds out about the truth of her mother’s death and decides to seek revenge against the Takemikazuchi. In doing so she befriends Takashi who has his own story of grief and rebellion. It’s not as violent and bloody as some of its contemporaries but, what there is, is nicely done, although the use of a male stunt double for Yuki is disappointing. It’s a relief to have a Japanese film without women in school uniform, without panty shots, and without strange sex scenes.

Transmorphers (2007)

The Asylum does their take on Transformers, and they make it more like the Terminator franchise than robots in disguise. A robotic alien race comes to Earth and decimates the surface of planet forcing humans underground. Transmorphers captures the humans’ attempts to launch a daring new attack on the machines, hundreds of years after the invasion.

The story is incredibly close to what Terminator Salvation would do almost two years later, including the interpersonal relationships and human looking robots, but Transmorphers has a few interesting additions, including lesbianism and cryogenics. Is it possible that The Asylum copy has been copied?

The acting ranges from competent to limited. The effects range from limited to appalling. But it doesn’t matter. This film is pretty good in a bad way. It’s possibly better than Transformers.

Urban Justice (aka Renegade Justice)

This may seem like just another Steven ‘Cockpuncher’ Seagal film, but the synopsis on the back lets you know this is even more ridiculous than usual. “Seagal is a father who happens to be a special forces trained, street fighting, nerves of steel avenger, hell bent on one thing: justice!”

Seagal occasionally hits a winner amongst the many, many films he releases, and this is one of them. If you have been looking for a remorseless vigilante since Charles Bronson from Death Wish passed away, then look no further. After the death of his son, Seagal moves in to a squalid apartment in a sleazy neighbourhood and starts killing people. Unjustifiable violence, funny insults, and a whole lot of Seagal looking fatter than ever. “Tell every motherf****er on the street they're not safe 'till I find the motherf***er who killed my son.” Word!

This film will make you wish you were Steven Seagal.

Abducted By The Daleks

Four women find themselves stranded in a forest, then naked, then prisoners of the Daleks. The Daleks are pretty impressive, and so are the accents on the women. This is the film the BBC tried to ban, and for good reason, no one should have to watch it.