Vampire films

We love vampire films, but most of them really are dreadful, as we reminded ourselves recently.

Rise: Blood Hunter
I was excited when I found a vampire film starring Lucy Liu (Shanghai Noon) and Michael Chiklis (The Shield). Had I noticed it was written by Sebastian Gutierrez (Snakes On A Plane), I would have felt otherwise. Lucy was killed in a vampiric orgy and has risen seeking revenge. Chiklis is a cop trying to make sense of it all. I was trying to make sense of why they were in it. Lucy’s nudity and the generous lashings of blood barely made it watchable. Still, at least it wasn’t Charlie’s Angels 2.

The Last Sect
David (Kill Bill) Carradine is Van Helsing and he is tracking vampires over the internet. Natalie Brown is a reporter investigating a mysterious, online, dating service. Of course their paths cross. It is not a great film, not much happens, and the attempts at eroticism are lame, but it is slightly original, the Carradine in-jokes are good, Julian Richings is a great killer, and the women are “like ravenous, vampire sluts”.

Slayer
Caspar Van Diem (Starship Troopers) is doing well establishing himself as a reliable action star. Here he leads a troop of soldiers in to South America where they discover the legends of vampires are not just legends. Lots of action, blood, hamming it up, and acceptable twists make this film undemanding but entertaining.

Dracula 3000
Worst vampire film ever. And I’ve seen Queen Of The Damned.