Shark Attack 3 Megalodon (2002)

This may well be one of the worst films ever made, and that makes it totally brilliant. It is certainly one of the most entertaining films you will ever watch. You will be glued to the screen either criticising everything that is happening, or laughing at it. I did both. There should be two scales of rating movies, one for the good and one for the delightfully bad. If there was two scales, this would be 5 out of 5 for being delightfully bad.

Megalodon is a prehistoric shark that is terrorising the coast of Mexico. It’s lucky they tell us it is Mexico because the shoreline doesn’t look like North America, and that’s because it was filmed in Bulgaria.

The shark attacks are happening at the resort where John Barrowman (Captain Jack Harkness in Torchwood and Doctor Who) works, and he can’t identify the shark tooth he finds. Palaeontologist Jenny McShane can, and she wants to save the shark, but Barrowman wants to kill it. After another attack, McShane throws away her pursuit of scientific knowledge and is lusting for the creature’s blood also. Throw in an evil corporation and an ex Navy diver and you are set for ‘action’. It’s very much the story to Jaws and, at one point, the music is even eerily similar to John Williams’ score from Jaws.

The script is less than laughably simplistic, and the acting worse than a preschool play. There are times when Jenny McShane looks to be laughing rather than being upset. They have tried to compensate for the these shortcomings by having bikini clad women walking across screen at regular intervals. That stunt is even more obvious, and clumsy, than it sounds. The effects are diabolical, but no worse than some I have seen in much more prestigious films. Of course those films were made thirty years ago, but that is not relevant.

John Barrowman is probably embarrassed that this film has made it to DVD. It may have seemed like a good idea to him back in 2002, when he was a starving actor, but, now that he has some level of credibility, he might view his decision in a different light. It’s not all bad for him. One of his lines has made it in to film history for its dubious qualities. We always know the two leads will fall for each other, but the only build up to that moment is...

Jenny McShane: "I'm tired'
John Barrowman: "Me too. But you know, I'm really wired. How about I take you home and eat your pussy."

If only dating was that simple.